Adventuresqueish

2011 and 2012

2011-12-31T21:40:00.001-05:00

Another has passed. I really have grown much older. Each year passes by like a snap of the finger. I can't quite describe my 2011

5 months in India, 2 months in Singapore, 5 months in the US.

Lots of travel, lots of adjustment, lots of movement.

In all this, i have realized that my life has been far from stable, and while there are always others who have lifestyles and jobs that involve way more travel and way more relocation, i still feel that this kind of vagrancy (minus the begging) and wandering can take its toll. Unless one learns to find home in something wholly other, and not rooted on the earth at all. Looking at the supernatural here.

The Insanity of Purchase

2011-12-26T20:49:00.000-05:00

It's really quite crazy, to be honest, the way we continue to purchase things that we get used to and ultimately replace. A lifestyle of continual incremental and compounding purchase is staggeringly unsustainable. I have been in vancouver for only a week, and i am still overwhelmed by the madness of the christmas purchasing. Perhaps being in a family that prizes this is the problem, but i think that all our families are like this. We are structured around purchasing, and deals, and sales and continual acquisition. I feel bad, because i am not structured around service, around justice, and around the things which really matter. We wake up early to go line our carts with more stuff. I am so sick of stuff, i dont want to continue down this path, it pisses me off. It's like a losing battle, which is also endless. The cycle continues, i am always buying new shit, and my family is spending all its time discussing new technologies and new things to get. it's really very very pointless.

Christmas Eve in Vancouver

2011-12-24T18:36:00.002-05:00

So i am in Vancouver with the kumars for Christmas. It's been a good break, lots of time to catch up with fmaily on various things and lots of time to relax after a pretty spiritually tiring first semester in the seminary. Seminary has been interesting so far, and i am definitely motivated and pushed to pursuing greater intimacy in my relationship with God. More than that, i find myself often struggling to motivate myself. This break has just been a good time to unwind and seek the Lord without the madness of theology classes and fundamentalist christianity over my head. I have found that a place like Westminster Theological Seminary, while great for building faith, is too rigid and conservative for me, and that's saying a lot, because all through my time at Brown, i felt more conservative than most of the liberals there. In any case, i am just intent on seeking the Lord's will and letting him get a deeper hold over my life.

This year, 2011, has been a year of tremendous change in so many ways. I went from rural india to the US. I went from a working life to a student life. I went from a state of absolute solitude, to a state of community living (dorm life). even the climate changes are worthy of mention. In all honesty, i think i am going through a tough, but manageably tough period in life, learning to wean myself off my desire for the world and all its promises, and allowing myself to slowly root the deeper parts of my heart in Christ.

Manchester United

2011-08-24T14:59:00.002-05:00

I love the new manchester united squad for so many reasons.

1. It's a local club with local players. I respect clubs like that that nurture and develop their own superstars and legends and didnt buy them. Of course every club is going to bring in big names like Barca and David Villa, but again, in Barça mold, manchester united are grooming some big players. Scholesy, Becks, Giggs, Neville brothers, butt were just a promising sign of that in 1992..and now. Tom Cleverley, Danny Welbeck look like big players of a local touch.

2. They are young. Nuff said, young energy is always awesome. this is my ideal lineup

GK- De Gea (legit)
LB- Evra
RB- Smalling/Evans
CB- Jones
CB -Ferdinand/Vidic
LW-Young
RW- Nani
MC-Cleverley
MC- Anderson or SNEIJDER
FC-Rooney
FC- Welbeck/Hernandez

Awesome team...if we can buy sneijder..that would be sick

Closing Time

2011-07-10T06:02:00.000-05:00

Closing Time, one last stop for…….

And here I am, in the terminal once again, transiting. Watching the tourists go by as the chapter closes. If I had an autobiography or biography, with chapters in my life, this would be one very interesting chapter. This is a chapter with dizzying highs and entrapping lows, a chapter with harrowing thrills and adventure alongside the banality of repetitive daily routines that could bore even a sloth.

This is where I met someone special and met people who were quite simply ‘not so special’, a title I reserve for people with the strongest awareness of how judgmental and arrogant I can be. This is where I studied for the LSAT, which was a huge accomplishment even if my scores aren’t great in the end. This is where I learnt that I don’t love people and am full of anger. This is where all myths of my physical finesse got broken. My neck discs ruptured and pierced my spine. The blood vessels in my groin region were damaged. My lower back probably has a hernia as well. I lost all my muscle mass, and developed a belly while simultaneously losing strength and size in the upper body. Whatever pride and self-esteem I had rooted in my body and appearance no longer exists, a dispositional shift that is probably for the better. My spiritual life is also seemingly derailed, and I can say that I am just barely hanging on, much like all of 2009. It seems like 2009, 2010 and 2011 are tough years. 2006,2007 and 2008 were golden years. 2004 and 2005 were tough as well.

In the final assessment of a decade in my life, I guess these last 10 years have been nothing short of a roller coaster journey. Everything I held on to has faded, I am no longer in search of that dream career which continually eludes me anyway. I am not entirely in search of that dream life which is also proving itself to be like a boat in the bloody Bermuda triangle, continually vanishing. I am not really in search of anything. For the first time, I do not mind having a life of worldly insignificance. And at the moment, I am just trying to rouse myself into desiring a life of spiritual significance. I want to lead a life that counts for something, that blesses someone else. I think I have done that in some way, I hope I have. I guess that means I am in search of something: meaning.

For all the bad I’ve done, I don’t expect anything on the judgment day, but I believe that Jesus is graceful and his mercy can save me. In terms of my own righteousness and the veneer of good that we all can clothe ourselves with, that is a joke and it is easy for any perceptive person to classify me a qualified and certified asshole. I just hope my pharisaical days are behind me, and I can shed off the hypocritical and judgmental attitude that even a few paragraphs up I was demonstrating.

I do believe India has taught me one massively huge lesson, which I have successfully learnt: Bravery. But it was not because I bravely confronted my fears of failure and insignificance; I was thrust into it and found that it was not the proverbial hell that I had conceived it out to be. It is ok. I can deal with it, and I don’t need anyone’s approval to continue in my journey. As much as I knew this, I never had the boldness to know it in my heart, but now after having involuntarily walked through what I perceive to be others thinking less of me, I am now a believer in the ‘I don’t need to be a champion trumping all others and being baller’ attitude. I am totally comfortable not measuring up to the world and its value system. Perhaps I can say this because God is at work, making it easy for me to value other things, opinions and estimations of me. Or perhaps by some sheer dumb luck, I have fortuned upon a trove of ‘I don’t give a rat’s ass, I can continue without all this’. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not saying I have everything internally to be joyful and happy and to figure out life. All I am saying is that the fears I had concerning being my definition of a loser (which I know is obviously skewed because I have been given quite a lot of shit in my life) are unfounded and I know that now. There is no fear, or at least considerably less apprehension and anxiety about a future of loser-dom. I can deal with that, it is fine.

I am becoming a 45 year old exiting a mid-life crisis. Weird.

Mortality

2011-06-13T17:41:00.003-05:00

Last night, like many others in recent times, i experienced some kind of premonitory dream experience. This one involving me losing the ability to use my arms. What is so gripping about these experience is not only the fact that i actually feel the physical sensations of losing my arms- the loss of control, the coldness, the dead arm, the nerves not responding... etc- but that i have this deep strongly embedded voice telling me my turn's coming. It's almost like i KNOW it is only a matter of time before it happens to me.

The slightly disconcerting nature of this particular premonition is that it could have bean an integration between a dream and a true physical condition. FACT: My 4 slipped discs and spondylitis in the neck area means it's only a matter of time before they press into my spine and thus into my spinal cord limiting bodily functions like arm/leg movements. FACT: i should be in this condition by now if not for some neat genetic pre-conditions which meant i was born with lots of spinal fluid and thus could afford deeper slips of the spinal discs as they just push the spinal cord back in its larger buffer of spinal fluid. ARGUMENT: Maybe last night, i really lost the sensation of my arms, and just processed it through dreamscape.

In any case, the dreams are becoming a rapid indication of my impending mortality, and i'm not even 26.

Love Hate

2011-04-20T06:37:00.006-05:00

My time in Tamil Nadu is coming to a close. I have about 24 days left, and they are indeed shaping up to be what looks like a pensive and reflective 24 days. My work is winding down, all i have to oversee now is the proper documentation of my work so the replacement can take on the mantle, as well as a couple of outstanding fieldwork visits by my staff to fill up the gaps left in our work. Everything is shaping up to be a pretty interesting next couple of months, as i transition from this work/study to intense studying for the LSATs which i will take on the 26th of June, and then head to seminary.

All in all, life here in Thanjavur has been an A+/D-, i would say. Now i know there is no such grading category as the one i just listed as my tamil nadu grade experience, but i assure you that there is indeed a reason for this.

Reasons why this year gets an A+

-----------------------------------

1. I get to live here. i have always wanted to live amongst what i consider to be my people, and experience what i believe to by a deep part of my culture, though i have little connection to it. I would say, that this entire experience has given me a deep understanding of what it means to be Tamil, what are the things important to the tamil people and the general way of life led by a middle class tamilian in rural Tamil nadu. These are pretty unique views to have in life, especially when the closest i have gotten to knowing anything tamil are those annual dinners with the tamil side of my family that involve nothing except food, and perhaps a conversation about how man utd is doing in the league.

2. I like my work, mostly. I don't really want to get into the nitty gritty of what i do,but i enjoy it.

3. There is a sense of freedom that comes from living here, both financial and otherwise. Financially, i am paid well, by Indian standards, and am COMFORTABLE, despite what others overseas think my life is like. But more importantly, the Indian life is truly a free one, in a very literal sense. Laws rarely apply here and you can pretty much do anything you want when you want as long as when push comes to shove, you have the clout and the finances to back up what you're doing. For me, a simple foreigner in a land of immense size, my newfound freedom expresses itself in the following two ways: riding/driving on either side of the road in any direction. Hawking my loogies anywhere i want. So as you may have noticed, i wasn't intent on making a profound point on human freedom, although i'm sure that i could draw something fundamentally psycho-philosophical from the fact that i derive pleasure from such newfangled social NON-faux pas(s).

Reasons i give the entire experience a D-

------------------------------------------

Now, this is more interesting to the reader, perhaps because it isn't just a guy going,'oh man, i love my life!', but hopefully because this will involve a little bit more thought and empathy.

1. Social isolation. There really is no one here i feel connected to in any meaningful and deeply significant way.I am a very social person, and when i am unable to connect to people, i actually get very down, and lonely. I guess this applies to all individuals on the planet, but some are more capable of essentially, having no friends. I have learnt a lot about myself in this entire experience: what kinds of people i cannot get along with, why and what i can do to try to get along with them. It's been good. A lot of my isolation here is not really because i don't meet anyone, but more so, just the dissonance between me and the few others i work with. The differences are most certainly not cultural, because i love learning about other cultures and win my opinion, exhibit a healthy inquisitiveness about them.

In fact, i find that the dissonance is greatest between me and certain personality types. I rarely get along with people who think they are always right, are outwardly domineering, and have very culturally-centric views of the world. Now some may say, no one would get along with such types, but i guess for these people, they would probably not describe these types of individuals with such descriptors anyway since they inherently feel no tension with such a personality. Things have not been different here, but i have learnt to deal with such individuals in way that allows all of us our space to flourish and ability to work. This is a great achievement for someone like me, who is black and white about most things(historically, i would usually either challenge or retreat) and tends to extremes. In the last year though, i have found myself knowing how to live in the immaterial space of the tenuous 'in-between', and this is a skill i am greatly desiring to continue developing and utilizing.

This is not really caused by me being in India, but definitely something which affected my year.

The experience of social power.

Now this is getting closer to what i think about on a daily basis. In Tamil nadu, i am considered a lightskin, a person with fair skin, and this coupled with my foreigner status gives me social standing and capital. This means i get to do things locals cannot dream of(unless they are also fair skinned or wealthy or in tamil nadu's case, have a huge belly and a gigantic mustache). All my life, i have lived as a minority, either as a mixie or as a person of color in the United States. I have never been part of the majority. This means my experience is a particular one. I have always felt the conscious(?) gaze of people in the majority looking (whether or not people actually stared or looked or harbored racist sentiments is inconsequential to the fact that i perceived it as such) disdainfully or with great surprise at my presence. This social field creates a particular psyche that i would argue no person growing up anywhere as part of the majority social ethnic class can understand unless they relocate elsewhere and experience life as a minority. Another qualification i must add, one cannot relocate to another place to become a minority that reinforces social power, for then the minority experience becomes an elitist one. This means, a white person leaving the US moving to South Africa during Apartheid is NOT going to experience this nebulous thing i call, the minority experience. But a chinese person from china, who moves to the United states can because the power holding ethnic class in the US is not chinese/asian.

And here is where that entire dynamic meets me. I was a mixie indian chinese guy in Singapore, and then a person of color in the US. While i greatly enjoyed being a minority in the US much more than being a minority in Singapore(which if you want, i will sit down and tell you about how horrible it is), i never felt like things changed too much for me in transitioning between Singapore and the US. However, coming to india is a whole new beast. Here i no longer am a minority in the sense of the word that i was establishing in the previous paragraph. Here, i am normal or what i call supernormal, people don't think i look funny, they just think i look fair and therefore 'wealthy/classy/better/educated' and other ridiculous presumptions. I am either normal or superior. Both of which are new experiences to me. I have never really been normal, ever.

Being normal is ok, people dont look at you funny, you feel a sense of belonging..blah blah blah..But there are many occasions when people treat me better or superior for being a foreigner with fair skin(a white person is like...revered).. this poses a whole host of challenges to me. First, i have to put in great effort not to feel superior. I think when treated superior and when living in a place where existing national ties and narratives mean that you come from a place of power, you WILL struggle to see yourself as just another person and not some superior foreigner or emissary of a superior people elsewhere or some mother country of greatness. i hate this feeling, i hate my proclivity (which is to buy into these dynamics of power) to believe in my ancestral greatness. I resent that i often think i am superior, because I AM NOT! In fact, something which i have discovered, over my time here, is that it is far easier to live my christian life of service to others in places like the US because i have the comfortable(to me) experience of being the 'lower'. Somehow being the lower allows me to more comfortably function in the role of the servant. Being in India brings a new type of social power that i honestly, do not know how to handle properly, and thus must leave before it corrupts my soul.

Poor food variety. nuff said.

I actually have many more reflections, but it'll have to wait

Power Cuts

2011-04-02T00:46:00.002-05:00

We are in the Tamil Nadu summer right now. The summer is known for well over 110 degree heat(F), dry weather, and most irrationally, frequent cuts to the power. Yes, it's true, just when the heat is so unbearable that people working in offices need AC the most, they decide that power cuts are not only desired, but MORE desired than normal. Hence the power cuts which usually happen for 2 hours during a regular day now occur for an average of 6 hours or so per day. It gets so mad hot, that sometimes, i can't even work. I just need to go like, lie down under a tree or something.

Transits

2011-03-07T16:01:00.002-05:00

There is a strange peace that my soul feels whenever I am in prolonged transit. This almost surreal sense of calm is augmented by my ability to see out of the vehicle I am in, and most enhanced by the ability to feel the wind course through my scalp and fill whatever it is I am wearing.

Right now, I am on a bus from Madurai to trichy, it's pitch dark outside except for the occasional lit farmhouse. I am far from home, wherever that may be these days, and am close only to people I have come to call family over the last 8 months. I don't know what the future holds and a part of me is really scared, there are things that I am fighting to hold on to, but mostly I have hurled myself into what I believe to be a great unknown.

Many things have changed for me over the course of my time here. I have come to realize how little I know about even the things closest to my heart. My faith is in the process of it's next big evolutionary adjustment and my ability to speak about it like I used to has diminished. This does not mean I believe less and with less vigor, but rather that I believe to the point I am willing to change.

Having something you place all your hope in evolve and move right under you is scary, and many times I feel this deep fear, but more often than not, there is tremendous excitement because I know that I will be enriched for it.

The trees are still here. They sway around in the wind (vetri) and once in a while, they find themselves fallen, but really, it is I who is moving. I am constantly moving. The literal journey, the physical state of being in transit, is perhaps so calming primarily because it reveals the most to me about the nature of my life. In some sense, when in transit, the metaphor of life as a journey is literalized and I find this representation to be the most honest interplay between myself and my surroundings. I feel right, though my wants, hopes and desires have not departed and I am still beholden to them, a process I aim and aspire to focus and control with time.

The bus is now trundling into a makeshift clearing and a tea shop is busy with people alighting from cars and buses to take a quick break from the highway. It's 2256. I think I will reach trichy by midnight and then thanjavur by 2am.

It's time I take a break from the truth of the sojourn. It never ends. The question is who you journey with.

Sent from my iPhone

Nagendran meets the Pancake

2011-02-27T06:05:00.011-05:00

This is Nagendran. He works with us, and is a dear friend to Markus and i here in Thanjavur. He loves food, and specifically loves the Uttapam, which is sort of like an Tamil pancake that is a staple breakfast and dinner food. It is made from the same batter as it's steamed cousin, the Idly.

On Saturday, i decided that i needed a break from the Uttapam, but desired to still have a pancake fill. So i made some good ole fashioned pancakes. No blueberries, no choc chips, no bananas, no strawberries, just plain pancakes. Heck, i didn't even have syrup, and had to make do with honey.

I let Nagendran try, this so called, American Uttapam, and in fact requested that he use a fork and a knife to do it the way it's done by millions elsewhere. He really enjoyed it, and loved the taste.

However, 3 minutes into the thing, he decides that it is too difficult to use a fork and a knife, and that fumbling around with it just distracts him from enjoying his meal. He then approaches me and requests if he could just use his hands.

"You dont have to ask me if you wanna use your hands to eat! Just enjoy the food", i said.

Here in Tamil Nadu, at least in the rural and more traditional areas, eating with one's hands is a very important practice. At first, i couldn't grasp it, but after a week or so of doing it, it became very natural and very intuitive. In many ways, eating with one's hands presents many advantages both from a efficiency standpoint mostly stemming from the physiological advantages the digits on a hand possesses over rigid fork and knife structures.

The interesting thing here, is that, for many, eating with one's hands enhances the tasting and sensory experience of the meal. Where we're from, eating pleasures and the sensory explosion consists primarily in sight and smell. Here, the sensory experience incorporates touch, texture and feel. You can ask someone how the food feels along with how it tastes. In the west, we do similar things, talking about texture and feel of different foods, but mostly these feel type descriptors come from sensory organs within the mouth, and not the hand which is a primary sense organ.

In my opinion, the only disadvantage to eating with one's hands, is an inability to grip hot foods, but that may just be my weak skin.

Tamil

2011-02-23T05:55:00.002-05:00

My tamil is as pathetic as my desire to be an economist, and i honestly don't feel like i have the credentials or the knowledge to say that i am Tamil or even half tamil for that matter. But i feel like this is a big season of growth for me, and that apart from learning more about this side of me, i am also learning how to handle my former racism against my own people. I see a lot of beauty and strength in this people that i never saw and thus could never value otherwise.

Tamil. Dragging. Long. Unfiltered. Misunderstood. Not understood.

Jeffrey Sachs.Kills Poverty.

Poverty. Will never end. Crime. Thoughts. Crime.

Iphone. Catch my drift? Catch my point. Post Colonialism. Post post colonialism. Post partem. Post suicide. Post life. Post fear.

Fear. Mindkiller. Ankle guards, shin guards, soccer. Championship.

Motorcycle Bug Fest

2011-02-23T05:43:00.001-05:00

I've always thought the most important reason for wearing a motorcycle helmet is to protect the skull from getting crushed or smashed during a serious motorcycle accident or collision ( a head on collision, hehe, get it?) However, recently, i am starting to discover a more practical and definitely more imminently pressing reason as to why the helmet is a necessity and not an optional accessory for the commuting rider.

In Tamil Nadu, depending on the season, there could be either many or some bugs flying around which would smack right into you. Notice i never said 'no' bugs, and that is because this almost never happens. There's always something that would fly into you or across your view as you ride here.

I am a bespectacled man, not many may know this, simply because for the last 8 years i have refrained from glasses, preferring to augment my appearance with contact lenses instead. Yet, since i have arrived here in India, part of my aim is to minimize my own personal valuation of appearance, and as a result i have stopped doing a bunch of things like looking at a mirror ( i don't own one!) wearing contact lenses.

I tell you this because one of the advantages of wearing glasses here is that it can act as a first layer of protection from bug collisions. The most important set of organs to protect when riding are your eyes. Just imagine getting a huge dragonfly smack right into your iris.. GAME OVER. We can't have that now, can we? So, wearing glasses has helped in this respect. Of course, if i wanted to wear contact lenses, that would be fine too, but it would require me wearing a pair of shades, which i want to avoid for the most part here, in my silly and probably misplaced efforts to look more local (primarily because locals also wear sunglasses, so i don't know why i think busting out my aviators seems like a pretty arrogant move)

Anyway, i'm all bugged out.

The Most Amazing Day. EVER

2011-01-23T07:02:00.001-05:00

Today was nothing short of amazing. I have little words in my repertoire of vocabulary to quantify the sheer amount of joy i had welling up in me as i waltzed through today. It was, everything i want from a day. The day started out with me remembering a very beautiful psalm. Psalm 17, which encourages us Christians to root all our satisfaction in life in being able to behold God. We live not for material gain, power, wealth and even for leaving a legacy, we live to be with God. A very powerful verse, which when i root at the base of my heart and soul just places all my priorities in the right order.

Then i did some studying for the LSATs, which are coming up in June. But that's boring and irrelevant to the outcome of my day.

Today, Markus and i had the pleasure of not only having lunch with the orphans we teach, but also teaching them on a sunday(which is rare) and finally, distributing bedsheets bought with donations from people from our respective hometowns of Singapore and Vienna. Amazing. I have little to say, except that God is awesome, and that he gave us resources to take care of one another, and we need to use and steward these resources well. Grow what resources we have so we can continue to honor him and give to others.

Amazing.

Biryani by Nagendran's Wife, at my house!

2010-10-01T01:22:00.000-05:00

A Night Of Three Dreams

2010-09-16T23:37:00.004-05:00

Last night, i had a sequence of really weird dreams.

Dream Sequence 1
1. Somehow, my home in Thomson Green, along with the rest of the estate felt like it was in what i can only describe as a Somali warlord disputed territory. There was an overwhelming fear of a bunch of 'soldiers' stopping outside, killing us and taking everything we own. Mummy, steve and myself somehow were all crouched outside next to the car in the porch. And at that moment, 5 or 6 soldiers came through the front gate with rifles. Somehow, they missed us, and went straight into the house. At this moment, i was panicking like no one's business, so i told my mom to leave the house and walk through the park to get to my uncle's place on the street parallel to ours. As she was leaving, i remember freaking out. For some strange reason again, i had a fully loaded M16, but i had never zeroed it, and i was freaking out. I was also afraid of a full on confrontation in the confined space, i knew that to take them out i had to be shrouded and a considerable distance away from the 6 armed troops. Then it hit me, i have to run out of the house to where the garden hedges the park, hide behind the hedge and snipe these 6 soldiers from a dist of around 100 yds. Fear struck me so deep, but i ran to the hedge around the park, and waited for them, deciding that the best way to strike them was to wait for them as they exited the chokepoint that was my house's main door. Dream ends, i wake up at 648am. 4 hours of sleep, great. headache.

charmaine's interpretation of sequence 1

oh, simple

10:13amMe
man..lets hear this

10:14amCharmaine
Home has become a contested ground because you now live in a place that reminds you daily of how different live back home is although you still feel a strong desire to protect the ones you love getting your mother to run away seems to suggest that you are ultimately confident in your ability to save and protect her

10:15amMe
this is ridiculous.its brilliant

10:15amCharmaine
the physical bodies you love are safe, but it is the lived, felt, territorial space of the home that is at stake
that's why the somali soldiers occupy the house and are in it - they literally have invaded the safest place of refuge you know

10:16amMe
this is genius..hmm..this is brilliant

10:16amCharmaine
and you, running outside to wait for them might suggest that you see yourself as on onlooker

10:17amMe
but i want to kill them.

10:17amCharmaine
trying to grasp what is being taken away from you, and trying to understand what it means to wait and be on the peripheries, to want to reclaim the space of safety for yourself
you want to kill them because there's a violence you feel in being deprived of home
i think that may also be connected to the recent crazy adventure you had in pondicherry, being face to face with violence

10:18amMe
YES
it most definitely did

10:19amCharmaine
it probably provoked and caused your desire to protect to resurface

10:19amMe
because in the dream
HOLY SHIT
i didnt write this
because i didnt want to seem like i racialized the soldiers
but they were young tamil men with earrings and tattoos.

10:19amCharmaine
ah
and i guess the interesting thing might be that you also see an element of yourself in them, right?
they share your color, but you know that you're not like them

10:20amMe
yes.
dude, this is freakin insane.

10:20amCharmaine
and yet, you had to resort to a violence of your own in order to protect your friend
i think you feel slightly torn about that
because in the dream, you're waiting to kill them, but you haven't yet
there's a hesitation there

10:20amMe
charmaine..this is crazy/

10:20amCharmaine
which suggests that you're ambivalent about the costs of reclaiming your space

Dream Sequence 2
2. Well dream sequence 2, i am going to paste a FB convo between my really good friend, charmaine, and i.

Me

i had a dream of us last night
it was pretty weird
we were on a car of a train that was shaped like a wave.
so imagine one of the traincars just like an inverted parabola
we were on the peak part..i was showin you music on my ipod and eventually handed the ipod to you

9:51amCharmaine
hahaha
took me a while to figure out what a parabola was

9:51amMe
and we had this debate about headphone sharing..

9:51amCharmaine
ok please continue

9:52amMe
before you finally used your own.

9:52amCharmaine
HAHAHA

9:52amMe
plugged into the Ipod..
you were listening to the music
then the train stops!!
and the ipod slides down the inverted parabs, without you noticing
the headphones still plugged in, as the ipod slid down extending the headphone cable.

9:53amCharmaine
dun dun dunnnnnn

9:53amMe
and you were just singing

9:53amCharmaine
oh no

9:53amMe
i on the other hand, thrown myself down..

9:53amCharmaine
and then i got pulled under the train?

9:53amMe
slid down face first to save my ipod

9:53amCharmaine
UHHH

9:53amMe
and somehow the headphone cable didnt detach, and the ipod was hanging off the traincar

9:53amCharmaine
dude

9:53amMe
somehow i also didnt slide off the traincar into what i think is the darjeeling abyss.
i save the ipod and crawl back up to the center peak of the inverted parab traincar
and the whole time, you were just singin
crazy

9:54amCharmaine
HAHAHAHA
oh man
this must be like... a metaphor for our friendship?!

9:55amMe
i dont know if there was a point to that.

9:55amCharmaine
there is always a point

9:55amMe
i enjoyed it, although i got scared i was going to fall off the train into the ravine
hmm
the point is you dont pay attention while i rescue your music?
?

9:56amCharmaine
i think you miss your creature comforts, which are manifested in the ipod as the sign of technological society

9:56amMe
continue

9:57amCharmaine
and so the desperation in risking your safety to save the ipod reflects this urge in you to cling on to the things you have
the fact that I just kept on singing might suggest that I might be a symbol of pure enjoyment

9:58amMe
well, it had good music
i am loving this
this entire convo makes it to the blog!

9:58amCharmaine
with or without the ipod, I'm happy to sing
HAHAHAHA

wait for it wait for it
soooooooo
as one of your best friends who also doesn't get to see you very often, I might represent something that's simultaneously both familiar and unfamiliar
you recognize an element of yourself in me - the one who wants to just keep singing

9:59amMe
hmm
this is great
why d you turn down a career as a dream interpreter again?
you know what..i actually believe your interps.

10:00amCharmaine
so in the moment that you almost plunge into the darjeeling abyss is when you think that the ipod is your whole world, you're willing to stake your life on it
and coming back up to see me just singing is an uncanny moment
which provokes you to rethink your connection to the "things" you have
and desire to reconnect with the moments you can learn to enjoy without them
TADAAAAAA

10:01amMe
first off, this whole theme
of life and joy without
things
IS DEFINITELY
on my mind..
my whole post yesterday was about that
so i think you re quite spot on

10:02amCharmaine
HAHAHAHAHA
yesss

Dream Sequence 3
3. It basically starts with me walking into a HUGE HUGE hanger type hall with an indoor football field and tennis courts. There, some old friends who i have completely lost contact with over the last 8 years are playing soccer. They happen to be the people i went to school with a long time ago, guys on the soccer squad with me. Everyone has aged but i still remember them, and they remember me. We all call out to each other as i am led into the hanger, by some guy who i dont know. i walk in, eager to boot up and join the game. The indoor floodlights are spectacular and the astro turf is making me so eager to jump into the game. I AM SO HAPPY at this point. I havent seen these people in ages, and it feels like i am back in the simple life of the 90s. Yet, just as i make my way there, the hanger disappears and tthe vast expanse of the, dare i say, universe is revealed
and simultaneously a cage around the field appears.. i cannot access it. I am forced to confront the universe, while being unable to get into the game and the field. I wake up again.

Charmaine's Interpretation of Dream 3
i mean, the obvious implication is that you are in such solitude now and you long for familiarity and company and fellowship, right? the fact that it's a group of boys playing soccer makes it pretty clear that it's innocent, carefree, child-like fellowship you crave
but the space in which you desire to entire their game is so constructed - it's a hanger, there are huge floodlights (not natural light), and astroturf
- all artificial
and when it fades away and you are confronted with the UNIVERSE, and there's a cage around them, I think the cage has two different meanings:

10:38amCharmaine
on the other hand, the cage is another symbol of construction/artificiality; it's a humanly created object

10:39amCharmaine
the fact that you use the word "universe" to describe the vast expanse - i think it means that the space that YOU have now, in its resplendent and infinite wonder, expanse, beauty, is a space that hasn't yet been coopted and constructed in artificial space
and yet, you are somewhat in awe of, and perhaps even fear that vast expanse -
probably because it is so unknown, and so scary for that reason
and yet, it also presents you with limitless possibilities
so the cage keeps you out of fellowship
but it also cordons you off from what is easily given to you
and forces you to explore, as terrifying as that may be

10:42amMe
charmaine

10:42amCharmaine
you know that the universe is out there, but you stay on the limits of what is familiar because you are, understandably, reluctant to let go of what you know

10:43amMe
FREAKIN INSANE
what the hell are you doing. its genius.

10:43amCharmaine
hahahaha

10:43amMe
that is SO SO SO SO SO SPOT ON
thats exactly how i feel.

10:44amCharmaine
heehee
it's not hard
hearing how you've been feeling / thinking these past few months
its pretty clear that it haunts and yet excites you at a very deep level

Quiet Composition

2010-09-16T11:41:00.000-05:00

There is a musicality that is secretly appended to the rich rhythms of life, discernible only by the attentive ear which picks up on the quiet composition, undoubtedly arranged by one keenly aware of artistic realities that most men do not avail themselves to.

Tonight, like many other nights, as i sliced through the wind on my ride home from the town center, i once again found myself standing right in the middle of this clandestine performance hall; this time unlike any other, right as the piece crescendoed. I felt this surge of life within me and the whole scene came alive. There really are few words to describe this paradoxical peace, amidst the solitude, the foreign world, the otherness, the isolation that so often riddles my soul with fear. And yet, here i am, privy to the performance of a lifetime.

I think there is a lot to be said about attuning one's ear to this quiet composition, this soft whisper, this gentle breeze that breathes a simple melody into the empty spaces afforded by life's oft unpredictable twists and turns.

Wind, Dust and Hairballs

2010-09-05T13:20:00.000-05:00

He walked till he could go no further. Exhausted from the journey, he dragged his sore feet all the way here. He's come so far, and yet gone no where. He's journeyed so long, and yet sojourned only as far as the distance between his head and his heart. Arguably, there is a considerable distance between the two, but the point still stands, and the feeling of futility embedded in the travels lies unmoved and undisturbed despite his greatest efforts.

A dust/hairball is making its rounds on the floor of the room, as it spins and moves around under the rigorous efforts of the ceiling fan, it collects more and more and gets larger and larger. He looks at its enlargement and draws concrete parallels between it and the problems of life which he long decided, snowball when you least expect it. As it spins around, he realizes something. Something key. Something deep. Something so painfully obvious and yet so mysteriously concealed - There are forces blowing here, and the snowballing problems of existence are not entirely perchance happenstance. The clockwise motion of that hairball is the result of invisible moving forces. There is an orchestra of things going on that the naked eye is not privy to witness.

He has stopped moving for now, in the corner of the room, my room.

No words to Describe

2010-08-23T13:42:00.000-05:00

This bird is really really cute. I was talking to Anisha about kingfishers in Tamil Nadu and stumbled upon this image. I then had this weird series of thoughts. I was thinking about how amazing it would be if i had a bird just like this walking around (not flying) and following me everywhere i went. It would make these squeaky bird noises and just accompany me on all my journeys and adventures. That would be so epic. He would probably be named something cool too, like... The White Baron or something.. i don't know. Creation is awesome. I love being in it, and learning about it. Epic.

Iddly and Chutney Connoiseurs

2010-08-20T11:56:00.003-05:00

This evening, for dinner, Markus and i decided to head to "Mami Mess" for dinner. So he hopped on belle with me, we rode to Mami's. To our dismay, she was closed this evening. It's weird, people don't really work much here in India. Or at least in Thanjavur, they don't. Anyway, we were both shunning the idea of heading into the 'downtown' Old Bus Stand area, and so spent some time thinking about a place to go. I then remembered this one place i passed a couple of times, that was always crowded. So i took Markus to Thevar's Restaurant, which was in the Rajappa Nagar area near Suresh Scan Center where i got my first ultrasound (for the injury) done. We went in, without expectations, but ended up being confronted by what i can only describe as the best iddly and ootapams we have ever had thus far.

What was most hilarious about this new venture was not the fact that everyone thought it so strange that we knew the local food scene, but the fact that Markus and i then proceeded to have a long conversation on the texture of the Iddly and the thickness of the Ootams. It didn't end there, we then talked about the various spices in the Chutneys, and the consistency and amount of coconut in them. We kept referencing our iddly experiences at Vasantha Bhavan and at our hitherto most frequented dinner venue, Devar's Mess. It was epic. At some point, i said, 'Markus, this is insane, we are behaving like South Indian food connoisseurs, discussing iddlys like Anthony Bourdain discusses francophone cooking or wine. At some point, i specifically recall mentioning to him how we would definitely have to write the Lonely Planet chapters on Thanjavur.

I think if this keeps up, i will actually write a chapter on Thanjavur and send it in to them. It might get published.

The Orphanage

2010-08-07T23:54:00.003-05:00

Markus and i are officially english language teachers at the St. Anthony's Home for Children in Manabuchamvady, about 5 miles from where we live. The kids are beautiful and really interested in learning. I have nothing to say except that this is exactly what i needed. I have long been feeling a slight disconnect from the people because of the stage of our work where we are at ( producing surveys and what not and preparing the sample frame for the study ), so finding and getting a chance to serve these children was just a diamond in the sand. I am so thankful to God for this opportunity, and i really wish that these children will be able to learn something from us for the duration of our stay here (1 year). They are absolutely gorgeous and beautiful. I cannot stop thinking about them. At one point during my time there, all the kids jumped on me, and i almost fell over. I couldn't stop smiling during this entire time. Everything in me was just screaming out, ' THIS IS SO RIGHT'.... I don't have anything left to say. I love these children so much and i wish there was more time for me to spend with them and learn from them.

This is beautiful.

Srinivasan Aka Space Cadet Aka TeaNivasan the Tea Master

2010-08-02T08:51:00.001-05:00

So i have to devote an entire entry to this man. His name is Srinivasan, one of my survey staff. He is hilarious. Barely speaks a word of english, and is an absolute klutz in the office. He is tiny too, think like 5 ft 3 or something..and always knocking things over, spilling things and making a mess. Here is the thing that is most crazy about this little man whom everyone in the office loves. He has an obsession with his twice daily teatimes. Once at around 11am, and once more at the british standard 4pm. Prior to us getting a stove in the apartment downstairs, Srini would always take it upon himself to go buy the entire staff tea from a neighboring tea shop. However, things have changed. This jolly little character has now taken it upon himself to make the tea by boiling the milk, and preparing the various aspects of an effective and successful tea time. This includes biscuits for all, condensed milk sweeteners, sugar and various other local tea additions that i am certainly sure i am missing. Yet, despite his loving goodwill, he has a knack for creating disaster everywhere he goes. This little indian man, is capable of turning upside down a kitchen which i, in my OCD, clean insanely every night after use. All it takes is for this little indian man to have 30 mins making tea in there, and the entire place would be destroyed. Today i asked him, as he asked for my keys to go down to make us tea, Srini,'will you be destroying my kitchen today?'. And he, not understanding english, did the indian assenting headnod. It was hilarious because i knew it was true even if he did not understand the question.

Srinivasan - TeaNivasan - Tea Master - Champion of Tea time - Space Cadet

Nights staring at Cobwebs and Darting Mosquitoes

2010-07-31T07:26:00.001-05:00

Last night, i decided to do the unthinkable. i turned off OUT!, our highly esteemed electronic bug repellent device. I had thought that closing the windows and the door would prevent mischievous little critters from making their way into my space. I forgot one thing, a vital fact of life. Mosquitoes are quite the stealthy and smart little vampires. According the Wikipedia, they can even hide in areas knowing that at nightfall, which is their feeding period, there will be prey. In other words, i may have closed the chokepoints and entryways to my room, but i couldnt really close the room to itself. They were there. Waiting for me. And as i lay(literally) in wait, i was ravaged. I woke up at 348am with bites all over my arm. However, it turned out to be another one of those strange pensive reflective moments, which i have become so well acquainted with here in slow India. I turned the light on, and lay awake for at least 25 minutes staring up ceiling-ward at the multiple cobwebs and their nightly resident daddy(my family says dandy) long leg spiders. As i lay there, i thought,'they do that every single night. Just as i do this every single night.' We really do all have our 'routines' and at the end of the day, these routines consume the most part of the day. I don't think routines are inherently or generally bad, i just think that i often pride myself on my lack of routine and the lack of a plan, when in fact...i am saddled with them

The Chola Gym

2010-07-27T02:42:00.002-05:00

I have to devote an entire entry to my gym. The Chola Gym further up the street from where i live, closer to the New Bus Stand is simply a indian icon by all standards of defining an indian icon. It is old, traditional and yet remarkably utilized and without a doubt, functions well enough to get the job done. The Chola Gym is an institution to remember and an institution to bond with. It has dirt flooring, really really old equipment that at times falls apart, and has few free weights to go around. Things are tightly packed together in a dingy old room, with a grand total of 1 window. That said, i love the place and here's why. The elements of sparkle and shine narcissism are absent in this gym. There is but one really small mirror, and the people who are here are not sizing each other up as they do back home. They actually help one another, discuss diets, and take a healthy interest in bettering the fellow man. The fact that women and men have separate workout times and it is gender segregated like this, removes a layer of sexual tension so commonly endemic to gyms back home. There is no 'check the girl out' or 'drop jaws at a guy's ripping muscles', all there is the dirt floor, sweat and the smell of rusty and corrugated iron. I like that. The Chola Gym, for all its lack is my kind of gym.

Ghetto, no shoes, machines falling apart

Many rusty weights, but no bars.

Action shot 1

A Joy of Indian Life

2010-07-25T02:34:00.000-05:00

Belle

Some Pictures

2010-07-25T02:21:00.000-05:00

The Street i live on. Nakshatra Nagar 2nd Cross St. I think theres a wedding going on there

Markus, the other RA and my housemate


My room

Some of my staff in our office, which is above my apartment

Church Hunter Extraodinaire?

2010-07-25T01:56:00.000-05:00

Today is a sunday. It is 1215. At around 11, i got on belle and rode out to quite literally find a church. It felt really strange to be riding around the town looking for a church. I guess it's because i have never done that before, in my life. I have always known where to go, or followed some people who knew where to go, or followed others who knew others who knew where to go. In any case, i have always had a place to conveniently go to. Even in Chennai, i have a church with foreigners, with english services and worship. But here in Thanjavur, it's a whole new animal. There are little street signs in english, all shops and buildings have tamil script.. On top of that, protestant churches generally arent like catholic ones which are OBVIOUSLY church like in appearance.. All this makes for a hard find.

I had the contact for this guy named lazarus who is part of an english speaking congregation here, but i lost it!! GAH!!!!

It's kinda crazy. I just cannot get over the idea that i literally rode around looking for a church. So weird.

Mysore Paks

2010-07-22T12:36:00.003-05:00

A mysore pak.

My oldest memories of my paathi (grandmother) surround those times when I was around 5 – 8 when we would go to 119 Jalan Pintau to visit her. Somehow I always dreaded going to Jalan Pintau as long as I knew my cousins were not going to be there as well, because it simply meant having to sit around with paathi, whose partial paralysis further decreased her communicative abilities. This further obfuscated communication between us, as not only was whatever she said to me in tamil, which I am only now learning, but the weakness of her body also made her pronunciation unclear and her voice faint. Paathi was always lying down on her bed in her dingy room next to the entrance of the kitchen in Pintau. Papa would huddle both Steve and me to her room to greet her. We would go in, say, ‘paathi’ in that unenthusiastic and mildly irritated way, hold her hand, and leave the moment she let go of our hands. Now when I look back on those interactions, which were our only interactions before she died when I was 12, I feel so sad I couldn’t speak her language well or couldn’t understand her story. Now, all I get are fragments and random snippets and stories from aunts and uncles who knew here well. Paathi, I wish I knew you and you me.
One thing I strongly remember from these Jalan Pintau visits, was the Indian desserts always on the table in the Pintau living room. Specifically, there were two that I liked. One was a whitish biscuit type thing called sujee, which was awesome. But the one that was my favorite, was a yellowish fudge like thing. It tasted like melted butter and sugar and ginger all at the same time. I still remember chomping and munching on those like it there was no tomorrow. Ever since I got to Tamil Nadu and found that they have these ‘sweet’ shops, I have been on the prowl. A couple of days ago I finally found it. The mysore pak, as it is called. I went crazy at the sweet shop in the downtown Old Bus Stand area, bought it and gobbled it up within 10 seconds. As I sank my teeth into its soft yellow fudge like body, I felt like I just touched a harry potteresque portkey and suddenly got transported back to Pintau. It was a jolt of old memories. It is in these old memories that I now live; seeing every old tamil woman in her sari as if she was paathi of old; treating every tamil conversation as one I would have had with my younger dad and his relatives. Basically, living each I get to savor here as if I were reborn into the side of the family I never really connected to until now.
The mysore pak gave me so much joy, not because it tasted awesome, that it did. It gave me so much joy because it shot me back to this world. This world, this world which the first 19 years of my life I tried to erase, and this world which I strive so hard to come back to. I love being tamil. I want to be tamil.

Work, Rides and Parotha

2010-07-21T21:41:00.000-05:00

This last week has been a really busy week for the entire crew here, due to the fact that we are aspiring to release our first baseline survey by August. The survey is taking everything out of the team, everyone is working furiously to format the questions, the grids..We are piloting the survey like crazy to know if there are aspects of the questions that don't work. It is a hectic time indeed here at the Center for Microfinance field office in Thanjavur.

I rode through the madness of the downtown area in Thanjavur yesterday, almost got hit by a rider coming up on my side. Really gotta look around at every blind spot when executing a turn. Really freakin dangerous. I love the bike though. Gave a good wash down yesterday with just water and a dirty cloth. It was such a simple pleasure, cleaning the bike. I've decided to christen the motorcycle:

Belle because she is, to me.

Also, i realize how weird it is for me to call prata PAROTHA(real name), since i have been using the former name my whole life. It's hard getting used to being wrong your whole life. In fact, it's kinda like christianity, at that point when you realize you're a sinner.

Sitting Around in IFMR

2010-07-04T13:30:00.001-05:00

It's impossible to fully record all of life. Life is not meant to be journaled. It's just impossible to chronicle each event. It's impossible to capture every single moment in time. Especially, being in a foreign country, when each moment becomes a first and becomes special in a really profound way. Everything becomes deeply meaningful and yet, it cannot be relived, captured, stopped, paused, replayed..it just rolls on, gone into the recesses of history never to return again. Why is it that memorial is etched so deep into the human psyche, or perhaps this is just me. Maybe no one else is interested in dwelling on the past, or on remaining in the moment. The only way in which all moments become special and the only way in which memorial becomes complete, is in relationship, when the moment is shared. And when you can be with the person knowing that person has just experienced everything you experienced. Unfortunately, this is never possible because people come and go and no one ever shares EVERY single experience we have. There is but one person who shares every moment with us. And it is him we have to pursue.

Back In Chennai nai....

2010-06-26T22:57:00.000-05:00

So i have returned to Chennai, and i am in my friend Ajay's house.

i really like being in India. Have i mentioned that. Everything here in my life is so terse. so..bare essentials. so.. so empty. in the sense that i live out of needs.

anyway.. chennai is awesome. chennai is full of sounds sights smells that just.. you know....its like a sensory explosion. God is awesome, thank you for making chennai.

i am basically heading to mahabalipuram for a weeklong training with JPAL..so that should be exciting. Its a beach resort, but i hear they are going to make us work so much that there will be little time to swim, relax, enjoy.. we shall see.

Of Motorbikes and Portuguese

2010-06-23T14:48:00.000-05:00

Once again, another super awesome day here in Thanjavur India. I dont know, there's really nothing left to say. God is so good to me. I feel so great being here, just a sense of freedom. Truly, in him there's freedom.

Anyway. Let's list the awesome things which happened today.

1. England beat Slovenia.
2. USA beat Algeria
3. I rode a motorcycle.
4. Guilherme, this really cool intern, arrived.
5. I feel a very very deep connection to Tamil people. They are special.
6. I am beginning to really like my staff.

this is perfect. i dont know if i could ask for anything more really. Even the pains of brokeness are starting to get mended. God answers my prayers in Time. It takes time.

Guilherme is a cool guy, i diss europe all the time, but he handles it well. He even insists Portugal is lazier than Spain, which is hard to believe but if a European guy says it, i ll believe it.

God is good to me.

First Day In Thanjavur and Musings on Dad

2010-06-22T05:51:00.000-05:00

So i just arrived in thanjavur today.

The weather was not too bad. It was kinda hot, but the office is nice, despite the power outages. It is fairly cool. I rode around with John K on his bike today, and am probably going to buy it from him when he leaves in about 2 or 3 weeks. I am not too sure about learning how to ride it, but i am sure it should be fine. A big part of undertaking the bike riding endeavor is i guess, inspired by my dad. He was a tamil man riding a motorbike, and the honest truth is, i cannot live here without doing that. It would just be a tremendous opportunity to become all i have sought to become - my dad. I think deep down inside, i always aspire to be you, papa. You bear responsibility, you lead, you inspire, you speak with authority, you command, you serve, you pursue the Lord, you listen to him, you obey him. Everything i want to be is you papa. Then you do some other cool stuff, like fly jets and helicopters, ride bikes, carve things from trees, play the guitar. I seriously am just trying to be you pap.

Hearing more and more tamil is wonderful. I really think it is a beautiful classical language. it makes me feel like i am walking through a world of wonder and color and richness.It is such a beautiful language.

i am expercting to lose a lot of weight here, but i think that shouldn't be a problem, i am quite unconcerned regarding my appearance. I am probably going to shave my head, but i am torn between shaving my head and letting my hair grow long. I dont know what would be better. On the one hand, having no hair is more comfortable, but on the other having lots of hair might be nice while riding in the wind.

Cant wait for Guilherme to come tomorrow.

Matt

Stories

2010-02-09T17:27:00.001-05:00

Stories by Matthew Thanabalan’10

Over the last few months, I have heard the word ‘stories’ uttered so many times that it has become simply impossible to ignore. A story is a big concept to grasp when you get down to defining exactly what it is. It can be fictional, biographical, historical, mythical, scientific, prescriptive, descriptive, sensible or nonsensical, tragic or possibly exciting with a twist in the tale. The list goes on: An endless combination of forms, structures, plots and adjectives all make for a concept that cannot be generalized. Maybe a more useful question would be to ask what our relationships to stories are?

In classes involving Economic research, I have often heard Professors utter the phrase, ‘it depends on the story you are telling’. This is usually a reference to how economic research questions are first framed and theories formed. It startled me a little because the picture that comes to my mind upon hearing the word ‘story’ is always that of my Dad telling me a bedtime tale of “Gigantor and his adventures”. The choice of the word ‘story’ for economics was peculiar, but relevant nonetheless because Economics seeks to tell factual stories on societal behavior. Some economics stories become factual, when people are convinced by the evidence; while some, I guess, must just be fictional, with evidence that really does not convince us. My point is that everyone, even academics, writes stories albeit of varied styles.

Another encounter with this notion of a story came when I was acting in a play. Actors were constantly told to weave stories to better play a part. The stories we told ourselves concerning our characters were so developed that it really allowed us to live like we actually were these characters. Sometimes, I wonder how our own stories shape how we act and behave. Personally, I often tell myself a story of how much I need to give back because of what has been given to me. And I know this changes the way I do things. We all have or tell ourselves some kind of story on our identity. Stories change us.

Stories, in a more traditional understanding of the word, also featured heavily during meals at the Ratty with friends these last 4 years. They were the channels through which we got to know one another. Stories of each other’s childhoods, of class selections, of ambitions, of aspirations and even stories of pain and sadness solidified bonds. These stories seemed so much more than just words arranged to convey an event or an idea. They somehow were alive and knit us together with threads that would never break. We all live in stories and they link us together.

Like I said earlier, a multitude of genres, subjects, narrative voices, concepts, time periods and purposes go into the crafting of each story and this makes it tough to understand the nature of stories. Yet looking at the three anecdotes I just shared, we get a sense of our relationships to stories.

We all write them in some way, we are changed by them and we are tied together by them. At Brown, stories have taken on a whole new level of intensity and vibrancy. I have come to appreciate the fact that everyone is a composer, a writer and an artist. And the quality of the people I have met here stands testament to the quality of their composition, their story. At Brown, I have been changed so much by the stories I have encountered, in classes, in activities and in the way Brown puts you in a position to encounter all these things that you thought you understood but discovered otherwise. At Brown, I have come to experience my deepest bonds with people, that came through the stories that connected us and tied us together in a deep way.

As our time at Brown comes to an end, we are confronted by some larger questions: Class of 2010, what is our Brown Story? How has Brown University’s own story affected us and the way we act? How will it define our actions in a world that needs us to act? And last but not least, how are we to act and do what society requires of us as group of people tied to one another through the Brown Story?

Answering those questions is not something I can do now, but together, let us go forth confidently to write our Class of 2010 story.

the first day of school

2010-01-27T22:57:00.002-05:00

and the second day of theatre

God, i love theatre so much. I just love acting. Every bit of it just makes me so tingly on the inside..so much excitement welling up inside me. i just want to do more and more. The best part of this, is i have to learn a new accent. This is everything i want in a play. i get to completely immerse myself in a new role. completely. i am so excited.

i dont think i have felt this way about anything except the moment before a debate speech or when i am preaching.

Anyway, its so coool. i am playing a chief of the maroons of Jamaica. I basically represent everything noble and good in the jamaican struggle for freedom from british and american imperialism.

its crazy how much this play ties into my own personal wanderings and my own personal meditations on the subject. I am really feeling very inspired this semester, and yet at the same time, people, especially people back home expect something of me. They dont think i should study further, like masters or phds and stuff, or even law school. Everyone just thinks i would be wasting money. its so weird. I guess it makes sense, i didnt come to the USA to be a liability to my family and her finances.

lots to think about.

2010. New Beginnings

2010-01-06T10:04:00.000-05:00

2010 is here. in fact, i am already 6 days into it. 6/365. That's pretty good. Time flies much quicker as you get older. Francis Chan says our perspective of time changes as we get older, totally agree. 2009 felt like a month that just swung by like that, *snaps fingers. To God, a thousand years is like a day. i can understand that, when he has been around since eternity past.

Anyway, i don't blog much, but it's good to keep a record of what my thoughts and feelings are for posterity. 2010 is going to be an interesting year. A year of yielding my pride, crushing myself down, and really letting go of all my pursuits to pursue God. I have decided to enroll in seminary, which one has yet to be determined. I am waiting on God's provisions. I will need to further surrender my pride by relying on people for financial support, and will need to really humble myself in order to really love and serve people.

I want to make this year, a year of Christlike love. Just really getting down to the business of loving everything that moves, hehe, that's right. That includes the fishies and axies in my house.. you guys are gonna get some mad love.

In fact, Henry Krishna Kasparov Maharajah of West Bengal, High Protector of the Scottish Highlands and the Northern Territories, and Guardian of the Shell is creeping around his tank sneakily. He's such a cutie, that guy. I'll bet he thinks i cannot see him when he's creeping around. What a cutie.

Anyway, back to 2010 resolutions. yeah, not many. just a resolution of love and servanthood, and self-reduction..i really want to become less, i want to do the thing that scares me..go against every single one of my self and fame seeking nature and become the least amongst all. I hope i continually find creative ways to do so as God provides the opportunities.

I am really changing. It is insane.

Yesterday, i had a good conversation with an old friend, and we talked about the past. Specifically, we talked about teenage love during our JC days, which now happens to be 7.5 years ago. it's unbelievable really, how time has past. I still remember being in JC, walking through those big blue gates that ACJC has..and now, here i am, finishing up uni(college) and awaiting the next step. I guess it's great to know that Jesus Christ was on that journey with me every step of the way. It just this deep human desire to share one's entire life with another, to be known. And even as marriage approximates that, it is nothing like the knowledge God has of us. This friend of mine said something that caught my attention.

"Someone who knew you when you were young, you cant recreate that"

And that is so true.

there really isn't a point to this entry. it's just me rambling. but i guess that's the point of a blog.

On the 10th of October 2009

2009-10-10T22:47:00.002-05:00

I haven't blogged much in recent years.

Maybe i just ran out of stuff to say, or perhaps i feel the blogging no longer provides the requisite catharsis that it most certainly used to... Perhaps perhaps perhaps mayhaps. Who knows?

In all honesty, i wish i had a nice functioning blog that ran a daily article everyday so i can look back on my musings years from now. In fact, the very inspiration for this entry is the fact that i was looking through some of the archives for my older entries. It is a special thing, a memory locked in time. I like it.

All the desire to not be part of a blogging generation is fading away. i see it for what it is, memorial. We all desire that. Somehow, we are just wired for that..to remember and to look back fondly, i hope.

I sit here now, procrastinating. I should be writing my paper for my Anthro181 Language and Power class, but instead i blog.

There's much to be said about the very act of procrastination. Many random things happen to procrastinate, and i don't necessarily understand the connection between these random occurrences.

A revelation

2009-07-10T21:57:00.000-05:00

Dear blog,

sorry this took so long to reply. I have basically been going through a really tough time spiritually. its kind of a long story, so i'll just start somewhere.

Basically, while i was in Army, i came to Christ, and in a powerful way. I was close to him, and extremely passionate about the things of God, his vision, his mission, his people and all that. This in itself, is a really long story, but i want to get to the more contemporary stuff, so i am just going to bypass all the conversion details and let you assume rightly, that GOD interrupted me, humbled me, picked me up out of my multiple forms of slavery, restored me, and breathed in me new life as a follower of Jesus.

Over the last few years though, somehow, like you perhaps, my faith had gotten stale, probably because i failed to tend it. But mostly because, i now know, i started to idolize things. Primarily, building a successful career. I started to think about my future excessively, and i worried a lot about internships and jobs, and all that. I really wanted to succeed in the world's eyes. And as i let these desires run unchecked in my life, they gradually replaced God in my life. They dethroned him, and i grew to lose the peace that followin God ensures, i returned to the life of a regular worldly follower of the desires of the heart and not God. In that, came a lot of anxiety with regards to my future, with regards to my grades and jobs and what not, and i couldnt find a way to discover peace and fill myself. i tried often to fill myself with the things of God, but ultimately failed to see how these things i had started to follow became new idols in my life, so all attempts to find God became a fruitless venture as i basically wallowed in idol worship. i worshipped myself, and my desire to succeed, and have prestigious jobs and good pay. All things considered, i lost what was most important to me, my joy and my peace. Things that undoubtedly come from the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords himself, who makes a fool of the worldly system and frustrates the wisdom of the wise. i thought i was wise, but truly, i had nothing.

In recent weeks though, the Lord, merciful as he is, has taken me to a side, literally- i am in australia living with my brother doing nothing mch else but seeking him, and started to rock my boat. My anxiety and my fears have pushed me so far off the cliff, that i felt myself in abstract depression, and the distance betweenme and the Lord seemed irreconcilable. So, in my free time here in Australia, i once again started pursuing the Lord. And boy, that itself has made everything worth it. In humbling me, and allowing me to get rejected from the jobs/internships that i so stupidly coveted, he has allowed to come to him, once again, a broken man. And from this point, i can see that all is a chasing after the wind if God is not the first in one's life.

i am now undergoing a very intense pursuit of the Lord, knowing a couple of things.

1. God is not no.1 in my life right now
2. i have lost the fire, and the passion for his mission and his people
3. i have sinned and turned to the world for satisfaction and have found that it cannot satisfy
4 i need to sit down, allow jesus to clear my temple, and hear his voice so he and i can dig myself out of the great big mess i am in

those are the negatives, however, they are also positives. i KNOW that this is absolutely where i was meant to be. God has led me to this place of brokenness, and as they say, a broken spirit and a contrite heart are the sacrifices of God, and he will not despise. So in a spiritual sense, my complete abject poverty is actually a great trove of spiritual wealth. In God bringing me to this place of emptiness, i have turned my heart back to God. Of course, all this is easier said than done, and breaking up with the world is hard, cos the temptations always try to pull you back in to worship them. But the Lord will not let go of me, and i am so confident of making a comeback, stronger than ever. i am in the refining fire of Jesus right now, becoming,i daresay, a new man.

this is the perfect will of God. and i delight in it.

It is hard, and i have to continue to pray, seek him, ask him to change my heart, ask him to help me love him, ask him to help me stop being so self centered, but to love others and his people. Its a long road to recovery, but the Lord is faithful, and honestly, i have found, nothing else satisfies except the warm touch of the Lord, and the gentle feel of his love and mercy. We are not meant to worship any created thing, job, money, wealth, fame,prestige, prestigious educations, i SPIT ON THAT..

..we are meant to worship God.

so thats where i am at. i apologize this has taken so long, but i trust you will uunderstand the spiritual dilemma i was in all this while.

God Bless Kenneth,
Would love to hear from you regarding ..just about anything under the sun.

I am straits born

2009-05-03T19:52:00.001-05:00

Dear Diary,

today i realized something. I am straits born, and nothing will change that. I will stand up and be counted alongside my brothers. We are straits born. We are not chinese people from China, nor Indians from India. We are straits born, and straits bred.

Nothing should make us feel ashamed of our accent, no one should make us feel ashamed of our origins, and no land can make us desire their soil more than our own.

Reflections 2008 Part 1

2008-12-20T01:22:00.001-05:00

Reflections 2008
Playing: Something Anything by Travis
Sipping: Caramel Macchiato
Lighting: Mood, mild brown yellow
Climate: 60 inside, 35 rainy outside

So, here i am, once again, at the end of another year. This time, i am sitting, with my feet soaking wet, in a Starbucks on the corner of W41st and Broadway, downtown Manhattan. Really, i am just avoiding the slushy wet streets, and the gross rainy weather outside. Charmaine is supposed to meet me when she knocks off from work at around 6, so for now, i'll just have to make do, with some time alone. It's actually great being in here, i am pushed into a time of mandatory solitary reflection, which i have always wanted but somehow, have been unable to have due to the myriad distractions this life has to offer. You know what i'm referring to – you make a plan to do something, like read a bible, pray, exercise or one of those other generic good things. But they never happen, school work, the need to be somewhere at sometime...they just surface everyday. Pretty lame i know, but what can you do...life is part event based, part internal. You know, i still remember the end of 2007, which is just under a year back.

i was traipsing all around europe, spent christmas with the moktars in hertfordshire, England, before heading forth to a couple of the western european countries. it did seem like yesterday when i was with Marcel and ZQ in Lisboa celebrating the arrival of the new year. It did seem like yesterday that i was embedded deep within 2007. i am beginning to think, thats the idea. Life i mean, is all about increasingly rapid time progressions. When i was a kid, a gnarly 8 year old, every year felt like eternity. Each year dragged on, dragging itself. A long slithery train of drag, if that makes any sense. Drag. And i still remember those year end trips to Australia as being the once a year celebration of another ending. Waiting for them seemed like eternity. Waiting for the end of a school year felt like forever. The end of every year always left me with a distinct sense of growth from the previous year. There were all these markers, physical or otherwise. i felt older. And it most certainly felt like it took a while to get to the next year. Just a general sense of each year being slow and drawn out..was something evident in my childhood consciousness. i never questioned it.

And now, when i pack my bags, which happens a lot, and leave for a year or so, i almost feel like its gonna be a short time. People go,'see you in a year' and i haven't the slightest concern about how long that is. A year, in time, has become to me, an 8 year old's conception of a week. Time flies so fast. 2008 has been tremendously interesting, filled with many journeys, many countries and many new lessons in life.

January came by like a storm, quick, rapid and torrential. It happened so quickly because i was always moving. Lisboa, Porto, Madrid, Seville, Barçelona, Marseille, Rome, Florence, Frankfurt, Berlin, Paris, and finally London..I never stopped moving, and because of that, time ran with me. As fast as me. I could feel the wind course through my jetblack wavy hair as i ran atop mountains, that was the speed with which i traversed the olde continent. And yet, everywhere i ran, she was always there. She never got caught in the dusty wake of my speedy blitz through...She never lost sight of me. She might even have been in front of me. Time, i could never lose her, God knows i ran hard. But i am beginning to get a sense that no matter how hard i run, she runs faster with the unnerving consistency of the swings of a pendulum on a metronome. Clockwork efficiency. no breaks. no stops. no respite. Just unending machinelike continuity. How can i compete with that?

Funny that i should be looking at things in this way. At various points in my life, people have called me a 'machine'. First, was on our hike up Massada in Israel. My three spanish hostelmates called me a machine cos i was literally running up the mountain to catch the sunrise. A college friend of mine, Nate, has called me a machine a couple of times as well, referring to my work ethic. I think it true then. i do model myself on being efficient like a machine. when i want to do something, it gets done, or at least i'd like to see myself this way. A brutally efficient machine capable of doing anything it sets its heart on. Alas, that is not the case. My life is riddled with, diseased if you will, with the internal bane of an almost corporate-bureaucratic inefficiency. I make decisions extremely quickly, but getting things done takes a lot of time. And that is perhaps why it takes me a longer time to get things done well. More time than others at least. Sometimes i spent so much time doing something only for it to be crap.

February to May went by like school semesters usually do. Work filled, with little time to think about anything else, i occupied myself as did the others. It's strange, we fill our lives with all these 'things' that we 'need' to do. But do we really need to do it? Did i really need to go to college, at Brown, to end up slogging my days off, working, and worrying about my grades? No. I DID NOT. i now consider this to be a shadow of the life i was truly designed to live. well, maybe not fully. I am and will remain convinced that we are all supposed to work industriously, but not without true rest. The problem now is with the second part. I do not think i know how to rest. i need to learn that. And in many ways the rest of the year, 2008, was a huge exercise in how to rest. i consciously stopped myself from excessively doing any one thing. i rested, albeit inconsistently. It was a start nonetheless.

As June came knocking on my door, i found myself in India. Specifically, the mountainous Northeast India. This was to be a memory engraved in stone. Time could not break it down, or at least, it has not been able to do so yet. The Northeast left such a strong impression on me and my character, that while i do not feel like i was changed, i do feel a strong connection to the people. I find it odd when friends or family talk about their trips overseas as a life changing experience, because to date, i have not had that. I have felt a strong sense of affinity to individuals, a connection to people, a newfound sense of joy in being a person wrapped up within a larger story of humanity, but thats as far as it goes. I would not say my life has been changed by anything or anyone except Christ. India was amazing regardless.

The mountain peaks, the smells, the sounds.. the streets with the many things going on. the shouting, the dust, the humidity, the shacks, and the drains. Everything tied together beautiful. This is noteworthy. I think i am at a pretty new and peculiar place in my life. The skyscrapers of New York City, with the drain covers permitting streams of steam to rise up, quick talking taxi drivers, and the people who walk with the speed i run...all these things form some complete image of the entire city. They all tie in, and are part of a common knit. I may or may not like certain aspects of a city or a place, but the truth is, each and every single thing, is part of a the entire picture. and i find that beautiful. The shacks of Shillong, the garbage, and sometimes the foul smells of clogged up drains and poor sewage systems, are part of the picture of the city. This is not a judgment, and i am truly not saying the general impression of an Indian city is one filled with garbage, as compared to a skyscraper laden image of New York. I am not making a value judgment, saying one is better than the idea. All i am saying is that, each place has its component parts. each part is responsible for making it unique. It doesnt matter if the expression of a place is based on garbage or on flowers. They are the same to me, they are both unique. both equally special and equally magical. I walked through the slums of Phnom Penh with the same awe of coursing through the crowds on 5th Avenue during christmas shopping period.

Isis Dei Macbook Sleeves

2008-11-26T13:32:00.009-05:00

so i recently got a new macbook, and apart from it being awesome, i was looking at getting a sleeve to protect it from my incessant travels and my excessive classroom use. After looking around, i found the sleeves from Isis Dei best suited to my needs, and honestly, the best value for money. Here are some designs i thought were particularly impressive.

That is the memory foam sleeve called the 'Original' and my gosh, is it awesome. it looks amazing and even uses a NASA engineered material to protect the laptop. Its so awesome, it even opens up, so you can use your laptop without even taking it out of the sleeve. amazing.

this design was cool too! The fire red Egyptian Godess of Protection design. Same material- memory foam. Amazing prices too

Here's where you can get the macbook sleeves, at the isisdei website

www.isisdei.com

Rediscovering Strength in Jesus Christ

2008-09-08T11:03:00.001-05:00

Strength is very often present when there is an objective that we pursue. Depending on the value of the reward, or the nature of the objective, the level of strength would increase or decrease. Strength here, could really just be a proxy for persistence.

Jesus is amazing in pointing out that we,as humans seek a treasure. He then points out to us that we should seek a treasure or reward of eternal value. IN this respect, he tells us that as long as we align our objectives to objectives of great value, our hearts would yearn for them, and in so doing, give us the strength to go on fighting everyday.

Amen!

thoughts

2008-08-04T09:34:00.000-05:00

Here I am, sitting around in the Kolkata Netaji Subhash Chandra Bose international aiport, reflecting on the last 10 weeks I’ve spent here in India. In many ways, I feel like I have not even been to India, I mean Northeast India is really a separate thing altogether, ethnically, religiously, culturally and even linguistically. Yet, as with all my travels thus far around the world, I have found that the gospel still applies to all men. As I have written a billion times, one of my greatest passions in life is to travel the world to get a glimpse of the sheer size of the kingdom of heaven and the world that the Lord has created. It truly is amazing, from the geography of the land, to the way people look, the Lord has made something very beautiful indeed. It is glorious.

Northeast India has been wonderful. The people, I will never forget. Aunty Apona, Uncle Gaila, Thiu, Ning, PC, Sing, Chegen, Along, Aunty Atula, Uncle Purran… names I will never forget for as long as I live. Amazing people, who I have come to love deeply, and will miss terribly as I leave. It was a little emotional today, for me, you know me, sentimental as ever. I was packing up my stuff, and clearing the room out, and then it occurred to me that I have already been there for 10 weeks. A pretty long time if you ask me. I hope someday I get to go back and see how everyone is doing, and check the progress of SoFMEDA. Its been such an amazing time.

Many things have happened. All the preaching engagements, the econometric work, the webdesign, the songwriting. Its just been absolutely phenomenal. I feel like I have grown so much in my faith as well, realizing that the Lord is a giving God, who always wants to bless like a father. Once again, I count myself blessed to have witnessed first hand a miracle that the Lord performed in the life of my brother Ning. I am also amazed at the manner in which the Christian bond works. It truly is magical, I can meet people from a totally different part of thr world and be able to connect to them in such an intimate way. Fantastic.

There’s also the multiple trekking trips that I took with a few friends, all those beautiful mountains and rivers and lakes. It was simply ridiculous. I remember climbing down and up that mountains to sweet falls with Ning, Sing and Bendung Mungla. I don’t know, I guess, I m just pretty speechless in general. I don’t really know what just happened. It is just so amazing.

Update from Mawphlang!

2008-06-30T02:00:00.002-05:00

A really cool mountain range/dam network that my colleague took me to! really cool. i think i really have to settle here, no one looks at me weird, i look local, and the weather is freakin sweet.

thats the whole group, Baia, my colleague and her entire family..oh man, i love kids, i m gonna have like..20 someday.

Client Visit pics

2008-06-24T01:11:00.001-05:00

Marisa, myself and some clients!

When disaster strikes

2008-06-10T01:49:00.001-05:00

Run away.

Week 2

2008-06-09T01:10:00.002-05:00

So its been a week since i got to Shillong, things are going fine, my boss has returned from his holiday visiting his daughter in England, so its time to step up and face the music. I have done work, so i am not too afraid of presenting my plans to him, its almost like an Army AOP, ahha.the good ole slack days of NS.

i went to Baptist Church yesterday, and it was really just a good time of worship and hearing the word of the Lord. the preacher was talkin a lot about excellence, biblical excellence, and how, as christians, we are expected to lead excellent lives. it was really inspiring, and i think i felt god telling me to be excellent in the workplace, and in my studies as well. so, i m gonna put all my effort into improving my academic knowledge, and my professional attitude. but other than that, it was just an amazing time of worship. there were other foreigners there too..dutch, aussie..pretty cool.

i m getting used to all the insects in my room too. killing them and what not. its pretty sweet, i am totally a bug murderer. DONT MESS WITH ME Mr 4 inch spider..

A COUPLE OF PICS

2008-06-06T00:39:00.003-05:00

This is a picture from my office building. just another image of the hilly town i am going to call home for the next two months.

Just another shack, where poor people live, right on the streets.

This is SoFMEDA, my office.

First Days in India

2008-06-04T04:48:00.002-05:00

So, its about time i blog again. i don't really do it frequently anymore, but whatever. Well, i am about 4 days into my Microfinance internship here in Shillong India and its been interesting to say the least. I have a couple things that i feel i need to pen down just so i can read about these times in the future. First, the family i m staying with is absolutely awesome, i really like them. The mom is a great cook and whips us these nice Naga delights, while the two sons are pretty cool and talk to me. They have promised to even take me to see a Bollywood film someday. The little girl in the house, Anna, is 3 and she is absolutely the most adorable thing i ve ever seen. Man, now i really want some kids of my own. The dad of the house is a pastor of a local baptist church, hes really nice too. it feels great living with them, they really take such good care of me.

work is interesting, i usually spend all day sitting in my office doing econometrics work. funny thing, the stuff i learnt this semester about econometrics and regression, i never thought i would ever need, and now, here i am, wrecking my brains figuring out how to do multiple regression analysis. this is ridiculous, but at the same time, its so cool to have your school work actually apply itself in the working world, and even for a non profit. its very very cool. i love it a lot.

my health has been bad to say the least, i have been nursing a cold for the last week or so, and it does not seem to be getting better at all. The runny nose got so crazy last night that i almost couldnt sleep. the amount of tissues that i am using is also pretty insane, enough to fill up a trash can i think..so..i hope that aspect of the trip changes.

in terms of the place, Shillong is wonderful, everyone is really nice, and the landscape is simply gorgeous. More to come in my next post.

Awesomeness

2008-05-02T00:41:00.003-05:00

so beautiful, this song.

ישוע, ישוע, אנו מישתחוים ליפניך

jesus, jesus, we bow down before you.

Une histoire d'un separation

2008-04-22T22:53:00.000-05:00

La rue était plongée dans le noir quand des nuages sombres ont envahi lé le ciel. Je me souviens de penser à ce moment là : chaque fois qu’il y a un orage, quelque chose de mauvais aurait lieu. Ce jour là n’était pas différent. Chacun qui vivait sur notre petite rue pouvait voir l’incident se déroule. Il a commencé avec l’arrivé des soldats, qui marchaient au fond de notre rue, et se sont soudainement arrêtés à côté de notre bâtiment. De ma fenêtre sur le cinquième étage, je les regardais pendant toute la durée sur, et quand ils se sont arrêtés devant l’entrée de notre bâtiment, j’ai su qu’ils étaient venus pour mon père. Mon frère avait été déjà pris par eux après son travail avec la résistance, et mon père travaillait pour ce mouvement aussi. La pluie martelait sur le toit, et j’ai couru à mon père dans le salon. J’avais dix ans.

-Papa, ils sont ici, les soldats. Vont-ils t’enlever ? Qu’est-ce que l’on fait ?

-Va dans ta chambre, vas-y! Maintenant, il a murmuré.

Mais, j’ai demandé opiniâtrement :

-Qu’est-ce que tu vas faire ici ?

À ce moment là, nous avons commencé à entendre les sons des soldats montant en courant les escaliers.

Il m’a dit avec plus d’urgence :

-Ne t’inquiète pas. S’ils me prennent, je veux que tu ailles chez ton oncle. N’oublie pas. Je veux que tu saches quelque chose, mon garçon, je t’aime bien. Je t’aime bien Michel. Mais maintenant, vas-y ! Vas-y Michel !

Je n’avais jamais oublié ces mots.

-Oui papa, mais, mais…

-Assez ! Je ne veux rien entendre! Vas-y Michel!

J’avais juste atteint ma chambre, et je me suis caché sous mon lit quand je les ai entendus. Bien que je n’aie pas été dans le salon, j’ai su tout ce qui se passé. Ils brisaient beaucoup de choses, et certainement frappaient mon père ; j’ai entendu ses cris. Il n’a jamais dit n’importe quoi au sujet de la résistance pendant l’épreuve entière. Puis, soudainement, ils sont allés avec mon père. Je suis resté sous mon lit pour deux heures de plus avant de sortir.

Je n'ai pas pleuré, peut-être parce que j’étais dans le choc. A ce moment là, pendant que je marchais hors de notre appartement, j’ai vu une note froissé a la porté avec l’écriture de mon père. Elle a indiqué:

Je te trouverai, Michel. Papa.

The Squeeze

2008-04-07T21:18:00.000-05:00

Something is winding me tightly around a steel pole,

wringing my insides and all my desires out into a glass bowl.

Its crystal clear under the sun, that’s who I am, a man,

Defined by what he wants and what he wants to be.

Lust. I only want to be free and dwelling in the place

Of the life. Hate. I only seek to be free and wandering

In the garden of truth. Anger. I need to be free and

dancing on that cobblestone way. Pride. But something

seems to be forcing the deep of my nature out. Selfishness.

Maybe after everything is drained- Joy - I will find myself

In the shadow of a true- love-. I will probably then lie in

The quiet - life- green, next to a gentle stream which will bring

- Peace – refreshment to my parched soul. Someone will take me

There, I know it.

The Crowning

2008-04-06T21:07:00.002-05:00

Perhaps I have decouvré my deep self,

Straddling multiple worlds and מקומות.

il y a beaucoup de beauté dans la navigation.

אגור בהרבה ולמות , ובאותו זמן ,אני אסתתר בזות

I think i just delight in the ‘restart’. A new land, a new man.

reflections?

2008-01-18T13:24:00.000-05:00

So, once again, i am on a train in Germany going through big open fields. Its beautiful here, and the thought of having completed the journey is just amazing. I've been through London, Paris, San Sebastien, Lisboa, Porto, Madrid, Sevilla, Barcelona, Marseille, Rome, Florence, Koblenz, Frankfurt and now Berlin on to Paris and London again. A really crazy and tiring trip i would say, but if in retrospect, i would not have done anything differently. This trip was great. I feel i've learnt so much about travel, about Europe but mostly about myself. Just having to see yourself from the different lenses that people all around the world have is just interesting. Sojourning across the world always leads you to think of who you are, it sharply defines your identity as you come into contact with other identities and other cultures.

Thoughts of Singapore come to mind as i run around(literally) the world, and just how things work in Singapore in contrast to the rest of the world. there are just so many different peoples and languages on earth, its really crazy. Singapore, with its dry efficiency and relatively low costs of living ( sans cars and property), does constantly get reaffirmed in my mind as a nice place to have grown up. Educational competition, social stratification and racial issues aside, i consider it to be a most wonderful of places to have spent those formative years in. While my feet take me to places i had thus far only heard of in media and sport, i see that things aren't really different, and that my Singaporean identity while shaped with unique elements of language and food does not really stand ad variance with the surrounding world. In musing during an afternoon Spanish Siesta, in having an Italian pizza in one of those local streetside Pizzerias, in munching on Wursts in Berlin, in eating Bacalhau in Portugal and having a baguette in france, i move beyond the shallow superficial differences in cultures, those of food and drink, those of language and industry, and even historical experience. I move into the heart, only to discover that we are not very different at all.

The inclinations of the human heart are no different at all. We still pander to greed, to desires of ambition and mastery of the environment through industry. No matter where we come from, we cheat, steal, lie and make claims to self glory and power at the expense of others. Deep down inside, we really all are just the same, each man no better than the other. Clothe us differently, and color us differently, heck, even give us different modes of expressions, and yet we still present the depravity of the human heart through these different channels. This is by no means a sombre presentation of mankind, or a dire hellfire sermon on the damned, it just is a traveller's observation of underlying similarity over and beyong superficial difference. This does not disparage my travel experience or render it nullified, simply because there is innate human delight in the discovery and experience of the differences that lie within humanity, and just travelling to experience that is joy enough. But diversity and differences surface only up to a point, a point where the human nature stands unchanging across continents, space and time.

I consider it an amazing privillege to witness and see these cultures and peoples all around the world,and i will not take these experiences and lessons lightly. Perhaps theres much to be said about the affluence that funds the travel, but i am well aware of the money i saved during my time in the Army, and the somewhat miserly/frugal manner of travel living that i have developed and embraced without much complaint. Hopefully these make up for the costs.

Greetings blog..

2008-01-03T16:16:00.000-05:00

hey blog,

i am in madrid, but you as usual are in the dimension affectionately or dis-affectionately(is there such a word) known as Cyberspace. i find it interesting that you are so formless, and so intangible..not ethereal like spirits, but just..technologically formless. its weird.

but yeah, i ve been on the trot since christmas eve.. going from City to city .

Providence
boston
london
paris
san sebastien
lisbon
porto
madrid...

more to come.
sevilla
barcelona
marseille
lyon(maybe)
rome
venice
Frankfurt
Koblenz
Berlin
Strasbourg

but yeah..i just wanted to record this..something about memorial.humans, we like leaving traces, shards of ourselves all around the place. its interesting, pencil marks, blood, monuments, writings, poems..and now in this age..blog entries.

matt

Adventures A Paris!

2007-12-28T11:25:00.000-05:00

Bonsoir mon blog, je suis en France maintenant!

haha.anyway. today i went to montmartre, which is just absolutely gorgeous. climbed up to La Basilique du Sacre Coeur again..last time i was here was with the AC gang in 2002. its so amazing that almost 5.5 years later,i am here again.

this time it was really different, just being in the church was such a cool experience, cos i had time to relax and pray and just think about the Lord.

i wrote something while in the church, not nearly of the poetic levels i had hoped to reach, but it was just a simple observation within Sacre Coeur:

Missing him from within his temple
=============================
The Light of your glory breaks forth
from that hill, the place of the skull,
that hill of Zion. It breaks out,
expulsion of darkness; explosion of light.

Throngs walk by, captivated by the glory
of the Light, mesmerized by the
grandeur of the present deity. They
look at this surroundings, and are in awe.

Yet lost in the sea of faces, each
one remains, as they lose sight of the One himself.
'Come hither', he beckons, but they shy away.
Entering the mere building but not his heart.

Can we miss such a glorious one?
Such a man? Can he slip through unnoticed
in the sheer fanfare surrounding the
monuments dedicated to his person?

Yes he can.

SINGAPORE

2007-11-23T02:04:00.001-05:00

i am video chatting with my cousin in singapore right now.

hello jerome..hello jerald.

i love SINGLISH !!

and i love SINGAPORe.

YAYAYAYA

Ankle

2007-11-13T11:32:00.000-05:00

Jarrod's long throw came in, and i rose to meet the ball with a thumping header. Or so i had hoped. not only did i miss the ball with a poorly timed jump, i also landed awkwardly. Taking a nasty fall, i landed with my right foot twisting inwards to a resounding 'pop' in my ankle. i knew that was it. Only a month ago, i had sprained it. This time, the sprain was so bad, i couldnt even hobble off the pitch.

Taken to the hospital, they put me in an aircast(not as bad a real cast) and sent me home. Now i stand, on crutches. Everything is so hard now. But it speaks volumes on life.

1. you never know what can happen. things can change in a split second.its unpredictable.
2. there is much rejoicing in the Lord that can be accomplished in the tough times
3. i could really go on and elaborate number 1. but i won't cos i dont have the time to express these internal realizations in words.

Amen. I am out, soccer is gone. My bike is gonna be riderless for a while.and i can bearly even walk to class.

sigh.but life is still beautiful.

Pause

2007-11-08T22:53:00.000-05:00

Today, for the first time this semester, i will blog here. I havent done this in a while, and i guess a lot of it is just due to the pretty insane schedule that i set myself up for. I put myself in hebrew, french, microecon, calc, and Poli sci courses this semester, and its pretty challenging just making everything happen. Sometimes i wonder why i do this, i wonder whether this is even relevant in the first place, and i question the need for me to feel so overwhelming stressed out by my college education. I realize, and i really should know this by now, that it isnt really that important in light of the bigger things in life(if you want to know what's big in my life, please email me, and i can tell you all about this one man, who lives, who defines my existence).
For now, i just want to pause and not feel the need to do something. i am learning so many lessons here, about life, and about living and not doing all the time. i think i have spent a lot of my life equating living to doing. Action equals existence. But sometimes, i find that i need to step out of that mode, and in fact, as a jesus follower, i need to be out of that way of thinking period. His way is one, in which living is just being. Its just nothing more and nothing less than breathing, and just being around God and love. It isn't about striving, because i mean, everything he says is true, and everything God has promised us through Christ is true. then so much of what i am doing is irrelevant in light of eternity.
Yet, i know God gives me work to do, for staying lazy and doing nothing forever is not his idea of living either. i just feel, that thus far, i have taken myself too seriously. As we used to say back in my good ole seminary in Marine Parade, Singapore....Dont take life too seriously, take God more seriously.

Nutella + Ovaltine Biscuits...

2007-08-15T11:46:00.000-05:00

i havent blogged in a while..and i guess cos these days..there just is no need to broadcast my life. the reason for that eludes me still. i think that in the past, there was always an audience that i wanted to entertain.. unlike most people..i never kept a blog for myself.i kept one to vent my frustrations(during days of anguish or heartbreak)..or to make people laugh and what not. but now. i have no such desire.and seeing as how i dont ever think i m gonna get my heartbroken ever again...i prolly wont need a blog lor.

but i thought twice..realizin that maybe it might be nice to be able to reminisce in the future on my own feelings. so here goes.

ovaltine biscuits dipped in nutella is simply amazing.theres really nothing quite like it. in its own league.truly.

Tales from Israel Part 2

2007-06-20T13:52:00.000-05:00

so today is officially the best day of my israel trip so far.

i went with gavin and the swedish girl whose name i forgot to Bethlehem. She left to meet her palestinian friends shortly upon our arrival, while gavin and i got made our way to the church of nativity, the presumed sight of Jesus' birth. it was awesome. but the day didnt get awesome till we met ryan, a christian hippie from colorado.

together, we took a risk and went to the West Bank town of Hebron. i cant capture everything that happened. but heres a jist.

1-- walked through a war torn area with IDF checkpoints and Watch Towers overlookin a desolate Arab market street
2-- met Ismail, who was one of the leaders of the First intifada..he was Arafat's buddy and only fell out when Arafat accepted israeli occupation of the West Bank during Oslo Accords 93.
3-- listened to Ismails story and his time of torture, listened to his stories of Palestininan liberation
4-- met Israeli soldiers , and got to know them
5-- met some american jews in the hebrew part of the Abraham mosque, they explained a lot of cool shit to us
6-- met some palestinian girls in the arab side of the abraham mosque, who told us that most palestinian girls go to UNI
7-- played soccer with palestinian kids
8-- fell in love with palestinian people
9-- had some amazin hebrew conversations

WHAT A DAY

Tales from Israel Part 1

2007-06-19T16:25:00.000-05:00

I ve been in jerusalem for 3 days now, and apart from trying to practise my poor hebrew, i have been walking around checking out all the cool holy places. On monday, i walked to the Church of the Holy Sepulchre -- the place where Jesus was supposedly crucified and buried. I then went to the Tower Of David and checked that out for a while. i live on Hanevi'im street in the New Palm Hostel, which is an arab area and establishment..and being here is indeed really different from being in jewish areas. its really like 2 different worlds, but its nice to be in the arab area, getting a feel of their lives, and the changes 67 brought when jordan was replaced as the occupiers of jerusalem. Jerusalem is really beautiful, but personally, the sun is just too warm. But heres the thing, i still sweat less in Israel than in Singapore, and i think its all about the humidity levels.

anyway, after the Sepulchre and some getting lost in the Old City, i decided to trek up the mount of olives. that was amazing. just the view from the mount, and being in the area where jesus wept over jerusalem was visually and spiritually stunning. The dome of the ascension was a let down and so were the caves where jesus taught his disciples, everything else was a blast. The church for all nations, which held the rock on which jesus sweat blood, was also awesome. unfortunately, the garden of gethsemane was fenced up and one could only look on in amazement. I talked to some of the Franciscan priests, and it was just a great experience getting to know who they really were, and what were their motivations for joining the priesthood.

Tuesday was about the garden tomb and Yad Vashem. The garden tomb posed as a possible alternate venue for the crucifiction and burial of jesus, and was a lot more well preserved. there was no grandiosity about it, and it did not have a basilica or anything. just the gardens. very very very cool, and the craziest thing is, the hill which they allege jesus was crucified on, really looks like a skull-so that lends some additional credibility to their archaeological claim.

Yad Vashem is the holocaust museum. SIMPLY AMAZING. thats it. amazing.

the people in the hostel are cool, and we hang out a lot. Gavin is from australia, possibly one of the most chill guys i ve ever met. and there are a couple of american guys who we hang out with too. its a good group, we talk about israel, discuss places to visit, trade travel ideas and tips..its perfect.

Notes on Israelis
------------------

There is no one type of Israeli. its just crazy, they all look so different. There are the Ashkenazim which are eastern european jews, which are essentially just white people. Then there are the Sephardim, which are the spanish speaking jews, and finally there are the mizrachim which are the arab jews. one things for sure, the israeli women,jews and arabs, are beautiful. quite taken aback by their beauty really. the guys are mostly tough lookin. its cool. its just such a strange culture here in israel. I dont know for sure if the jews are receptive to foreigners, it really feels like they arent, but the arabs are by and large real friendly and cool about things. maybe thats just cos i m residing in the arab area of jerusalem.

everyone looks at me weird. maybe they havent seen many asians..or asians that are as ethnically ambiguous looking as i am. ahaha..but yeah, its weird.

------------------------------------

Tomorrow, aka today since now is 1253 am..i will go to bethlehem with Gavin.its should be pretty cool.

lost luggage

2007-05-28T13:13:00.001-05:00

so i landed in vancouver.and i think my luggage is somewhere in cleveland. i hope its in cleveland, and that no one took it or stole it. i hope they find it soon. theres quite a lot of clothes in there. a little worried, not too worried. but still mildly miffed that continental messed it up like that..sigh

the last day in perkins

2007-05-27T07:45:00.000-05:00

awfully emotional

said goodbyes to people who are still here

all alone in my room. ending life here exactly the same way i started it.

sitting here. waiting for uncle george. gonna go to boston to fly out of here.

its sad, but wonderful knowing that i had such memories.

on a side note:
i will execute justice..after touching the heart of god

End of freshman year

2007-05-19T18:46:00.000-05:00

so it has arrived. the time when i can look back at the end of an amazing first year in brown university. its been a year of ups and downs, but mostly ups. A great year has come to an end. I think i can say that...this has been the best year of my life so far. 99 (sec 2) comes close, and could possibly be better because of the TREBLE. But yeah..2006/mid07 has been the best 1 and a half years of my life. I mean, ORD, TUNGLING, BROWN. WOW. what a tremendous time this has been. absolutely amazing time.

Brown has been fantastic. here i ve found people i love deeply, people who care about the same things as i do, people who are passionate about what they are learning, and people who always wear the smile on their face knowing that it makes a difference to the people around them. Brown is lovely. Perkins, my freshmen dorm, has been one of the most awesome experiences i have ever had. we bonded, we got so tight, and so used to one another. in fact, we became a family. the p unit. the perkins family. so, just so i never forget the wonderful people i ve met here, i m gonna write all their names,.....so in the future when i look back, i ll always have this. in no particular order......includes non perkinsians

nate johnson - you are my brother in christ, a great tower of strength for me
yashua bhatti- the man, the best roommate ever
andrew marshall - my brother
nick ritter - also my brother, ROW THAT boat man.
ian nappier - dude...you re craZy. mr hypothetical
maura soucy - for always comin to get me
stephanie spielman - my favorite jewish mother
Caitlin Ho - HO BAO QIN!!!! you re awesome
Johanna Jetton - loveable neighbor!!
Eva Shultis - my favorite geo buddy and Gala date!
Kelly Sanford- love the color she fashions
Evan Walker - dude..you re awesome. EDUB
Evan lazer - the lazer. gello evan. jewfro man.
Alex Campbell - my communist..my revolutionary
Monikah Schuschu - the one who watches her window sill to make sure i m not climbin on it
Hannah Perez Postman - little hannah!!
Roxanne Ehrenbard - beirut roxy
michael levy - therapists soccer!!
Sara weschler - my favorite pole
Mansi Shah - manseed..ahahha
Liz Baron - oh ..i loved our hebrew lessons.
Boris Ryvkin - tamid hozrim aleinu
Becca Constantine - RUGBY!!
Phil Burns - freaky Phil!!! BCF brother
Grace Yuen - malaysian!!!
Anshul Parulkar - toolman
Joe Delehanty - Idaho Joe..dude. you re nuts

i may have missed some people..but heres just some awesomeness. i will never forget

- ratty lunches and dinners
- midnight trips to jo's
- craziness in peoples' rooms
- Intramural soccer and softball
- late night movies!! in each others' rooms
- sleeping in econ lectures
- sleeping in PS lectures
- sleeping in History lectures
- sleeping in Philosophy lectures
- sleeping

Freshman year. over. wow.
just like that, a quarter of my college life is over.its gonna swing by..and times is gonna pick itself up..its gonna pick up the pace. thats why, we need to live this short life of ours for something greater than ourselves. you know what i m talking about.

updates and worries.

2007-05-09T19:42:00.000-05:00

i actually havent left any posts in here for quite some time. so here goes.

well, its finals week. and things are kinda crazy. i have a Philosophy paper due at midnight tonight, and its done, but somehow i dont feel confident about it. its about the problems of liberalism from a feminist perspective. i actually dont like the Nussbaum readings..its really intense, and hard to argue against. But whatever. i also have to study for another final, middle eastern history..darn. i just got done with both my polisci and hebrew finals..as you can tell by now, this has not been an easy time. but hey..its all coming to an end anyway.

this year has gone by real quick.i m a little sad that freshmen year just sped past me like that..sometimes it almost feels as if i didnt have time to process anything. its honestly kinda crazy.

i m a little worried about something. you see i m going to Israel on a mission trip this summer, and going there requires getting some kind of special passport or something. and so i applied, sent my current passporte to the Singapore Consulate in New York a couple of weeks ago. Heres the thing, they havent sent the passport back, and sent me an email today telling me that it usually takes 4-6 weeks. Now, my flight to vancouver is scheduled to leave on the 27th of May after my Christian fellowship retreat ends...and i need that passport to leave this country. So i m a little worried, i hope they send that passport along with the special israel travel passport soon. i kinda need that right now.

on another note, this summer is gonna be sweet. i just know it. canada to israel...perfect

random musashi

2007-04-10T09:26:00.000-05:00

stranded, and lonesome
i sailed from port to port
in search of a place to call at, for good
the endless journey, and the tiresome travels

then the storm came, and swept me away
i struggled, swam against currents
pushed, and somehow, mysteriously
i survived. i lost everything and found myself on an abandoned island

now, built upon layers of meaninglessness, was the absolute
breaking point. nothing, nowhere, no one. but here, stranded on one of your overcast islands
is where you came and called me out of the darkness, rain was still falling on me.
i was still lost, and longing, and hurting, and hungry,weak,in tears.

and like a shipwreck, i was found on one of your shores.
then you fixed me. you built me. you made me a fine privateer.
a massive boat tasked with the beautiful job of picking up other storm swept individuals,
caught in the storms of life, lost and wandering without purpose.

Easter

2007-04-08T16:22:00.001-05:00

SANCTUS SANCTUS SANCTUS !! DOMINE DEUS SABAOTH!

SPRING BREAK, building houses in New Orleans

2007-04-04T09:31:00.000-05:00

much building madness, and much crawfish eating...boom

skintones and penalty zones

2007-03-17T22:59:00.000-05:00

So today, apart from the usual truckload of studying and reading, i joined the FA. Thats right, i joined the Filippino Alliance(the Philippines Students Assoc) for a game of soccer against the Japanese Cultural Assoc (Jap Students Assoc). it was phenomenal.

the members of the FA were real nice, and thanks to my roommate Yash, whos half Filippino, i managed to get a spot on their team. AWESOMENESS.

I got the golden goal,the 4-3 goal, and it was simply amazing.Yash had scored twice, and had a really nice volley early on in the game. The japs, who were united with the Hong Kongers were pretty awesome too. They had really good players just running around, and dribblin. But they couldnt penetrate our FA defense.

I think i look filippino. Skintones. I pretty much can look like any South East Asianer except a Singaporean/Msian/Indo'sian chinese. its amazing.
i can be Thai, Laotian, Cambodian..ok.maybe not vietnamese. but Burmese can also. Indonesian, Malaysian Malay, Orang Laut, Dayaks, and of course Filippino!! YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY..

I love all of South East Asia except Singapore. i dont like Singapore.its home and all. but i just dont like it.

PLAYOFFS!!

2007-03-12T23:04:00.000-05:00

Oh yeah..he turns, he slots it through legs, he rocastle 360s....

and THERAPISTS(affectionately known as THE RAPISTS) are in the playoffs.

We beat RandomWalk today 6-2. It was great. Alexis scored a hat rick, joel got 1, yash got 1 and i think Sam got 1 too. Things are looking up despite getting beaten the week before. We played hard, subbed quick, and made good runs. I was mostly playing D today, wanted to play O, but nevermind, We needed more D.

had a good run, when me and joel 1-2ed. i had a shot from that, but it got parried.

Econ midterm comin up. no worries.its all good.
There is no fear. Life is awesome.because he is my choicest silver.

Celebration!

2007-03-06T01:02:00.000-05:00

Woohoo! 500 profile views!!

*champagne bottle opens*, *mad applause*

who ARE you people? its so awesome. my blog was also so hermit-sy.

coolness. Hi everyone.

oh wait. i just realized that whenever i click it, the counter goes up too. and i KNOW i ve clicked it about a couple hundred thousand times. HAHAHAH..i guess that explains it.

shiokness.

war!!!

2007-02-26T23:18:00.000-05:00

so the Capitalist Fiefdom of 333 had declared war on the Peoples Republic of 344(pronounced 3 fo fo).

haha..good times. marvin was soaked in mouthwash as the battle raged on today. i myself...got drenched as our room to room water combat continued. violence has been escalating.

one principal disagreement between the 2 warring nations is the supposed Socialism that 3 fo fo has adopted. For more information, check both states' facebook groups.

hahah..goodtimes.

i got an A on my philosophy paper.! and on my econ test! but i nudged an all time low C for Hebrew recently. mildly miffed.

and heres some pics. first.my buddies here.and then the view from my room.which is awesomeness.

Boston Part 2

2007-02-19T20:45:00.000-05:00

so this time i went to Boston with a specific purpose in mind. I wanted to get a black coat, brown corduroy pants, and boots.i went.with nate, phil, robin, jeanine and deven.
i couldnt find what i wanted, so i just decided to go home. but before that, i decided to bring everyone to a restaurant in chinatown.

Name: PENANG
Cusine: Malaysian food, which is basically the closest thing we have to SPOREAN FOOD.

booya, i had Hainanese chicken rice for lunch!!! YAYAYAYAYAY. this makes CNY feel a little bit more like CNY. coolness.
after lunch, i got on the amtrak and came back to Providence...slack day.good times.

randomness
------------------------
I used to look out from the inside. Everything seemed so easy and joyous for the people on the outside, everything inside felt unreal and fake. Everything seemed like a billion lightyears away, almost as if i was on a separate solar system and abiding different laws of nature. Laws that tied me down, laws that enslaved me, laws that made me sad; Laws that rendered happiness a joke, and laws that just seemed so overwhelming. The laws of nature for me, were different from theirs. Everything was terrible and good days were rare.

In need of consolation, i would feed myself the usual,' they re so fake, they re unreal, they dont know what life is about, they re so sheltered, they re losers'.

One day, as the laws of nature got to much for me to bear, and the walls of my cell came closing in, i looked out at those people again and wished fate had dealt me a better hand. I wished i was part of their community. Stories of emancipation, stories of revolution, stories of storming bastilles, or expelling foreign oppressors always caught my eye, but i never needed those to inspire me, for i was never in prison. Till i started to look around, and noticed that darkness of my cell. The putrid water puddles, ridden with moss and tadpoles, were my only sources of nourishment. The occasional moonlight was my only illumination, and solitude was my eternal destination. I would lie there, hopeless, lookin at myself. I never thought of leaving my plight, i had no ability to even imagine what an escape would look like. Or more so, i could never think of the consequences of escape.

Would those laws punish me? would they ensure my timely rearrest, and subsequent execution? Would leaving this prison amount to death? YES. YES. YES. so i never left.

Those people outside, they never seemed to look in, some did, but i would retreat in shame, for i did not want them to notice how pale and ulgy i had become. I would rather they think of me as dead. I wished i was dead. I actually did not want to join them, because i was also afraid of feeling inferior, and feeling ugly, dirty, poor, or weak.But what am i talking about...i shouldnt even think of joining them, i would never get out of here..i just got deal with the cards i ve been given. I just have to make the best of this scenario. i just have to..curl up in the corner and cry.

then one day, while i was crying in my cell, like i did everyday, someone came. He came, when i was waiting for my death. I was literally waiting for my end, waiting for my ugliness to be exposed and my crimes to be fully prosecuted. I was really, just waiting for my execution. He looked amazing. His waist up appeared to be covered in glowing molten metal, like metled gold but even shinier. It looked like he just stepped out of fire. He had such a fire in his eyes, and really, i cant emphasize this enough....he was like a consuming fire.His robes were so bright, that i turned in my foetal position and tried to close my eyes. But the light that shone from his body was too bright.

i will never forget what he said that day," dont be afraid of me, for in my eyes, you are already clean. to me, you are beautiful, you are not ugly. Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past. See, you are anew! I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland for you. Now lets go."

I was just really out of myself at this moment, so i just said, ' go where?!. i dont feel new, and they re gonna execute me, but i ll get up, if only these chains werent binding me, nor the bars holding me in.'

At that moment, the chains feel loose and the bars disintegrated into liquid metal. Then he did something crazy. He knelt down beside me, hugged me and started to wash my feet and dress my wounds. He also brought out new robes for me, and clothed me. He also gave me something to drink. It tasted so fresh, like the springs from the mountains. I hadnt tasted anything that good ever, and compared to my puddles of sewage seepage, this was amazing. The next thing he did was insane, and truly unbelievable. He hit a rock that was lying around the corner, and honey started flowing out. The flow was limitless and relentless, and i feasted on it. It tasted so good, so so so good. It tasted like life.

So i got up and followed him. Where was he taking me? The first place he took me, was to a party with the people. the people who i could see from my little window in my cell. The people who were always happy. It was an amazing time, i felt so loved and accepted, and i felt alive for the first time.

Eventually..? He beckoned me to go somewhere else with him? i wonder where?Should i go? yeah, i think i trust this guy. i mean, i had no life before.

CRISIS!

2007-02-15T16:38:00.001-05:00

alright. crisis.

i have officially grown larger. my clothes, especially my favorite superman zara shirts...dont fit me anymore.if they get any tighter, i might as well pull off a hulk hogan and rip the shirts up.

sigh. i need new shirts..i feel like an army green towel squeezed into a tiny ziploc bag during a field pack inspection. this is terrible..

in other news.i think i have not started this semester too well. sigh..too busy, and cant seem to study properly.but hey..whatever right..i ve always winged it. maybe i ll wing UNI.

uni, watch your back..i m wingin it.

Ten minutes to 2

2007-02-10T13:45:00.000-05:00

I thumped my alarm clock right on the head as it started once again with its deafening beeps, and it broke. Battery popped out its behind, and the battery cover ejected to a place i have yet to become aware of. The clock landed on the floor, eventually settling down under the bed after what i presume must have been the usual quirky roll, spin and drop. I got up, eventually, an hour later to be precise, and rushed straight to reading Hobbes, and his silly Leviathan. There is no greater opportunity cost than sleep itself.

After reading half eyed, and exhausting all the possible reading positions on my bed, i decided it was just about time(10am) to get out of bed. So i did that, then realized something!

THE GAME was gonna come on in exactly 1 minute.
WHAT A GAME.

The age old adage- 'time passes when you re having fun'- proved itself during the game, as what was in fact 2 hours felt a lot more like 2 minutes. During the game, i, feeling the immense pressure my undone philosophy readings exerted on me, made feeble attempts to digest hobbes; whose rants about the need for a Contractual Commonwealth fell on deaf ears. I had been unfaithful to manutd by turning my eye to academics!! by jove!! But then again, not really. I count myself proud for having not absorbed any of the in game readings i had sought to comprehend.

i m pretty confident that my general lack of confidence will not matter, for i confide with utmost confidence, that the one in whom i confide in, is confident of his confidential activities, which are often confided to me.

post hebrew test

2007-02-08T12:48:00.000-05:00

so i think i did well on that test. hope hope hope!.. faith..

אֲנִי צֹרֶךְ יוֹתֵר אֱמוּנָה

so anyway. we just had the most amazing ben and jerry's ice cream cake for kelly sanfords birthday. it was deeeeeelicccsh.. tasty delectables

still got some Egyptian History to read up..this middle east history class is simply awesome..man..only thing is ....theres a truckload of information..i hope the stuff i read actually stays in my head.

ladeedum humming..skipping.

planted in the house of יהוה‎ , feeling well watered.and happy.

about Mondays

2007-02-05T15:43:00.000-05:00

7 classes on monday. that truly is a record.

9 PS105
10 EC11
11 HEBREW
1 PL56
2 HI146

4 HI146 section meeting
7 EC11 section meeting

the only thing thats keeping me in the game...is the sheer fact that i am completely in love with whatever i am taking!its awesome..truly.

but its still PENG.

Reading and Sleeping

2007-02-04T01:49:00.000-05:00

You know, its never quite been the same since secondary school. I NEVER stay awake in class.

I remember my time in JC, most of it was spent snoozing off during lectures, or being facedown on the desk during tutorials. History Teachers waking me up, Econ Teachers waking me up, Lit Teachers almost yelling me to life..those were days i thought i left behind. Days pretty much spent resting my whole being. i never really did anything. Thats not to say that i did badly or never studied. Well, i did badly a lot, and i didn't study as much as i wanted, but hey, i made it through.

then came the time of conscription. i slept everywhere. Hell, i'd even sleep standing up or while trekking through the woods. I could sleep anywhere, and anytime. I slept in classes in OCS, slept in the fields during missions, slept in bunk...i SLEPT everywhere. i was a sleeper.

now, its college, and you would think this sleep bug would leave me to my budding college career. HAH!. i still sleep everywhere, i sleep in the library, i sleep during lecture, i sleep while watching movies with friends even!!

i think, if i m not careful, i might just pull a Rip Van winkle..and sleep through life.
ahahahah...

right now, i m here in my room, reading about Iranian History...and i only decided to write this to combat my sleep tendencies. This afternoon, while sitting here reading Plato, which accordin to everyone is supposed to be an engaging read(i only liked the cave bit!!), i feel asleep so many times i think i made sloths in their natural habitats look bad. Perhaps they should have a public sleeper humiliation ceremony, where i get forced onto a pillory, and made the subject of public derision.

Tomatoes, lemons, eggs..you name it..shoot em at me,all i really want to do is to be AWAKE.

Time to Write

2007-01-30T13:59:00.000-05:00

So today is my day of rest, though i can hardly call it restful cos of the sheer amount of work and readings i have to complete in anticipation of my day of chaos. A day of rest you say? A day of chaos you say? Why these oddball distinctions? Well, simple. Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays are my intense class days. Take Monday for example, i have 6 classes on monday. It starts with me waking real early, say around 7, to seek the King, and then at 8 i leave for the Ratty to ravenously consume breakfast. By 9, i am in the List Art Building for POS0105 Ethics and Public Policy. Straight after that, i am in Salomon for EC0011 Econ, and straight after that chaotic lecture with what appears to be my entire freshman class, i proceed straight to Wilson for my Hebrew class. That lasts till lunch, which is rushed and hurried to say the least, before i hurry up to Metcalf for PL0056 Political Philosophy. When that ends, i go back to Salomon for my History of the Middle East class. I usually snooze in that class, Prof Akarli is kinda boring, but i do the readings!!!so i think its safe to assume that i do know what is going on. By 7pm, i proceed to Pembroke side of campus to have my econ section..what madness.

Well, today being tuesday, is a day of rest. I only have Hebrew. and NOTHING ELSE!! YIPEE!! but unfortunately..i am compelled to plonk myself right here in my room to study and prepare for the madness that has come to reveal itself as "Wednesdays, basically Mondays only midweek(which means i m tired)"...sigh.

here.

2007-01-27T18:08:00.000-05:00

i miss home. i miss ...

my grandmother, mama. listening to this hokkien song(jehovah's blessing abound: ye he hua jio wa mua mua??) is bringin back all those memories.

this is kinda sucky.feeling sad.wish i could return to that time and place. where my mama was still around..

i miss mama.. sobs sobs.

Spring Sem

2007-01-24T16:26:00.000-05:00

lotsa snow. extreme cold.

real nice being back here in Brown. This semester is gonna be quite crazy..

i m taking 5 classes instead of the usual 4, and on top of that, these classes have section meetings and what not..

EC 0011 Econ Principles
PS 0138 Ethnic Politics and Conflict
JS 0012 Hebrew
PL 0056 Political Philosophy
HI 0146 History of the Modern Middle East

The new hebrew teacher is real nice. Only 1 major problem..SHE DOESNT LIKE TO SPEAK ENGLISH...which means...i m gonna die...like i think today.i only caught 30% of what she was saying..this is gonna be quite jia lat..peng..

must listen real attentively..aiyoh..chaos.

Winter break

2007-01-16T22:37:00.000-05:00

so, for the winter break, all i did was laze around my home here in thomson green.

wake up late everyday,sleep late. slack.

but it turned out to be a real booster. remembering who i am, and seeing my family and friends. and just getting in touch with who i was. its good la.just relaxing.

away from the drear of studying and mugging. sometimes, i think its always good to have a break.life is all about seasons anyway.

i dont know why, i cant seem to write anymore. i still remember days when words used to flow out from my soul like a stream of water....now...cannor alewady...sigh.

nevermind, as long as i chronicle events, one day i can read and remember.

interesting things over the winter break
1. christmas without family as many of them were in thailanf with church
2.battlefield vietnam with THOP
3.NIght at museum with salem kids
4.CS..HAMACHI
5.restoration.
6.SCF

i guess. i m just really happy.never could write when i m happy.

life is good, cos

bridges have collapsed

2006-12-14T14:21:00.000-05:00

i am a wanderer. a man in search. a flighty bird caught in perpetual migration.

for men as such, home is a concept long abandoned.

here, in the desert and the wilderness, there is nothing.

the past is irrelevant, and ties with it have i long severed.

there is no past for me.there is no history. everyday is a new life, life never stops starting over.

restarts.restarts.restarts.

when will it all end? who knows.

i am a man without a state. a man without an identity, a man without a home.

assimilation is my chief skill. but what am i?

i don't long for a home. but yet, i do.

Here i am. in New York City.

2006-11-22T18:35:00.000-05:00

so here i am. in salman's room.hes not here.hes out.

i m in nyc. its a big city.awfully intimidating. weird feeling

i miss brown. i miss perkins..and i miss all the friends.maybe i should join my friends in pelham or teaneck..maybe reunion with singaporean friends is not worth it...but..no la.cant be..

and i guess i have to come down to NYC sometime anyway...might as well be now.

well...just logging in. Hello friends.

Awe

2006-11-06T17:54:00.000-05:00

Lake Toah Nipi.and i.and God.who is everywhere.

battlestar galactica

2006-10-17T18:41:00.000-05:00

is just the best show. ever.

ready to quit

2006-10-15T14:41:00.000-05:00

i dont actually want to study anymore.i dont know why i m doing this college thing.but i believe i am supposed to be here.

funny, i ve wanted this all my life, and now..i want to dunp it..and just go straight into the field, straight into the social work..in africa or something.i dont know anything about it..but i just cant stop thinking about it..

i dont think its up to me. he will lead me.

some part of me just wants to quite college, and go straight to what i feel this small life of mine is all about- getting out there loving people and helpin em.

but he has a plan.i ll just obey. its weird. like..what am i doing?

Record Keeping

2006-10-14T10:39:00.000-05:00

i ve actually stopped lookin at the blog as something i can delight in. something i can write expressively and be happy to read. i used to look at it as some kind of book i was writing, but i think, those days are officially gone.

now, its more like record keeping.just taking down stuff, so sometime in the future i would be able to read that and know how i felt and what i ve done.

i am right now, not doing too well in Brown. Bad grades. ahaha..no matter, just gotta study harder, and most of all study smarter..cos time is a luxury.

its getting cold, and i only have 1 sweatshirt, the brown sweatshirt i bought from the UNi bookstore in the 2nd week. its cold.shiver me timbers.

i still think about her a lot. i think, if this carries on..i m going to call her up one day.but i dont think i will be hurt if things dont happen, i am waaay past that.

or maybe not, maybe i wont call her.this new life, is just wonderful(apart from the grades)..i have thoughts of just settling here. Singapore is too much for me, its overwhelming. theres a lot of competition and comparison. theres a lot of the past. sometimes, you just need to let it all go you know, and start afresh.

thats what i love most about being here. its the ultimate new beginning. but its getting col *shivers* ddd

my roommate is a nice guy.Yashua, big buffed dude..and works hard..he shares the same values as i do..awesome.

i m thinkin of going to the mall today, upgrade my cellphone plan from prepaid card to a proper plan,might actually be cheaper. also need to get a sweatshirt. and a pair of sports shoes. the pair i ordered cos screwed up by footlocker, and they mailed me telling me that they were unable to fulfil the order...so now i gotta go back and claim a refund..i m hopin to just pick out another pair...anddo th swap.

my laptop is proving to be REALLY powerful.i still remember why i bought this laptop..cos i was tryin to get over someone..retail therapy i called it..and i remember naming this laptop Jane.. right now,my laptop's name is JUGGERNAUT..which is cool.

i probably need to bring over my army boots too..just for the winters.

Columbus Day Weekend

2006-10-09T09:10:00.000-05:00

so much for my grand plans to hit NYC this weekend...

it all came crashing down when Prof Mandel announced the probability of there being a Midterm paper for my History of Zionism class. That coupled with Geology Mid terms on Wednesday...have effectively ruined what was to be a blissful weekend in NY..

but thats ok..i just took the time here in Perkins to resolve much unresolved housing issues.

1. laundry
2. sheets
3. trash

stuff i dont usually get down to...i kept my laundry for a month!!

haha..good way to save money..and clothing health.

anyway..no time...ciao.

Public Announcement

2006-09-24T20:38:00.000-05:00

Matthewjohn says:
bigboy..
Nicol- SCHOOL'S IN! says:

Nicol- SCHOOL'S IN! says:
heh
Nicol- SCHOOL'S IN! says:
all the nicknames of yore
Matthewjohn says:
what u doing
Matthewjohn says:
haha
Nicol- SCHOOL'S IN! says:
uh
Nicol- SCHOOL'S IN! says:
editing an essay
Matthewjohn says:
lets recall old times
Matthewjohn says:
like..
Matthewjohn says:
did i ever call u butterbear?
Nicol- SCHOOL'S IN! says:
haha
Nicol- SCHOOL'S IN! says:
no
Matthewjohn says:
ok
Nicol- SCHOOL'S IN! says:
what the hell?
Nicol- SCHOOL'S IN! says:

Matthewjohn says:
well
Matthewjohn says:
HENCEFORTH
Matthewjohn says:
you SHALL BE UNTO ME
Matthewjohn says:
The Fair Fluttery ButterBear
Nicol- SCHOOL'S IN! says:
i'm going to kill you

boston

2006-09-23T21:31:00.000-05:00

so today. i woke up and decided i wanted to go to boston..

so i got Deven Burks, and Sara Weschler...and we went to Boston. it was pretty cool.

i didnt take many pictures..but we walked the entire city.deven got real tired..in fact..me and sara Did boston..but BOSTON DID DEVEN...

thats the only shot i have with the two of them in it..

life

2006-09-16T18:08:00.000-05:00

everytime i spell the word life i think of someone.

its great here.i feel at home here. things are going pretty well.

i ve found God here.

things seem relatively ok..only the workload has been pretty crazy. people are generally nice, and peaceable. no one has yet to make things difficult for me..i think, that as long as i stick by the wondrous law that the lord has etched into my heart, i should be fine.

the weather is kinda crappy..esp since i didnt bring a single sweater/jacket/windbreaker at all..and no athletic shoes. my current pair isnt even waterproof..so walking around in the rainy providence weather can turn into quite a hydrospheric affair...

but hey. i m likin it.just relaxing...and enjoyin what he has given me. i sometimes get afraid, and think that i m stupid or something..cos everyone here is VERY VERY smart..but then...it all doesnt matter anyway....all that matters is what is in our heart.

so..thats life.
food here is nice..burgers and hotdogs everyday!! YAY...i miss saturday morning mees though.

and the beginning of the beginning

2006-08-28T00:17:00.000-05:00

and so it is. i am here. USA.

for 5 years and eight months i ve thought about this, and now, i am here.

Had the most awesome sendoff ever, everyone i loved was there.Cept liangsie, but thats ok, church over friendship! Family,Peer Friends,the Sojourning Friends,Tungling-ing friends,Cell grouped Friends!!!

it was wonderful! thanks everyone!! and the gifftss..oh..the gifts.amazing stuff!!thanks!

Security checks in Newark were not the most pleasant of proceedings; But still surpassed the expectations set by the horror stories relayed to me by others before my departure. They painted pictures of racism, portraits of the complete & unnecessary inconveniencing of foreigners, and even murals of baggage confiscation and loss. None of which actually materialized. I mean, security was tight( i even had to remove my shoes!!) but it wasnt overdone.

The only thing that didn't work for me that day was the lousy Philly Cheesesteak i ravenously consumed from the Nathan's Joint in Terminal C. It cost 4.28 USD, which translates to roughly 6.75, which is still cheaper than both the Cheesesteak at Dan Ryans, and the one from the Seah Street Deli. Cheap, but BAAAADD.. it was nasty, like something out of a microwave oven, and in fact, upon deeper consideration, i think it did come from a microwave oven!! *raising fist, and trying to be angry* No veg at all! No condiments, although i should add, it was my duty to request and add accordingly..but still..aiyah.. but worst of all, BAD meat! worse than Hougang Mee minced pork. Look, i know there is no basis for comparison, but it was that bad.

Other than that, everything went smoothly albeit the hour and a half flight delay from Newark to Providence - was successfully tackled by the reading of a book. No major hiccups.

Let see whats this place is about

Last Few Moments

2006-08-24T04:18:00.000-05:00

Here i am, in the Tung Ling Bible College Computer room. Its my second last day here in this quaint little seminary.

This place has truly become my home. i ve never felt more comfortable anywhere else in my life. Everything makes sense here, everything is meaningful. But its got nothing to do with the people or even the location/building. its got everything to do with the Lord. It is his house, and thats the reason, why its home.

Today we were at the Andrew & Grace Home doing our Outreach.led worship and some classmates and i even shared with them.. it was awesome, many of the girls in the home were touched, and got prayed for.

everything in my life makes sense now.its meaningful. life is meaningful.theres a purpose.and theres joy so deep in me.

i m also leaving this country soon, and everything has become so wonderful. The people are all amazing, everyone's just so good to me. All showering me with Angpaos and good wishes..wow..i ve never had so much concern directed to me before.its overwhelming.

Dont know what the next few years is gonna be about. Dont even know what kind of work i will do after graduation. Not a clue. but thats the idea right..walk by faith.

masala

2006-08-19T11:51:00.000-05:00

had the worst masala thosai at the Prata Cafe, opposite one of my favourite workplaces..botanics..i ve officially never had a good meal there. the thosai ODed on those indian seeds one would find in the white curry, and it lacked the crisp of an exterior, and the padded fluff of an interior layer. The potatoes were alright, but lets just say that one the whole, it wasn't exactly the most well heated dish. More frustrating than that was the service. The waiting(waitresses mostly) was appalling; exhibited mild low levels of enthusiasm and perhaps even exuded a sense of irreverence ! add to that the sun hoisting itself just 45deg above the horizon(i think it did a bit late today, normally that happens at 10ish, today it was lifting itself into the half rightangle position early at 930), and pitching its stuff right through those open windows and into our dry eyes, rays completely unhindered by inanely positioned trees.

was with jon, ken and ian. it was nasty, and ssshh..dont tell no one,esp mum, but i scratched the car harps on the side kerb.ssshhhh

and i didnt know that Julia Gabriels Centre opened a branch there. i still remember my times in JuliaGabriels..awww. The friday club. that i think, is something i will never ever ever forget. It was always the highlight of my week back in those days- those fridays making my way down to the forum with Joe.listening to RHCP/SMASHING PUMPKINS/GOO GOO DOLLS on our at-that-time-techno savvy MD players...and then changing from our little sch uniforms to real clothes in those tiny JG bathrooms...then just jumping into so much acting, reading and writing..there truly was nothing better.cant believe i ever left.left due to debate commitments somemore..sigh..what a waste..joe, Salman, Nicole, Sondha, hmm..lets see if i can remember everyone's names..

Joe
Salman
Nicole
Sondha
Pearly
Lynette
Krystal
Gene
Gerard
Rebecca
Johannes
Elizabeth
Natalie

and of course, Julia and Sham as our brilliant instructors.!!!! all those times, doing improv. all those comedic moments. all those tea breaks at the maccas at basement.all those moments laughing, and just corporately making fun of johannes.man..what times of old. i think without JuliaGabs, i wouldnt be who i am.it was just so fun.

in other news, today, we had a salem cup. a soccer evangelistic outreach tournament!!

Calvin was playing soccer for my church . Poor bugger twisted a ligament in the 5th minute of the game..so we didnt get a chance to recreate our Botak Gang partnership..

he wont be cycling for a while..poor bugger.which reminds me, i need to retube gary.Cal says he has the equipment t do the tubing ourselves, but i still need to procure the tube.

i think the lust for linguistic flavour is slowly but surely leaving me.

jet planes

2006-08-13T07:18:00.000-05:00

are always under threat..from people intent on bringing explosives on board...and blowing them to smithereeeeeeens. think i want to be a sky marshall...or was it air marshal?or whatever..

wanna save some lives.

i am actually quite scared to go now.i dont know why. all excitement has faded away.

i am going to miss my church people(which includes my entire family!so yay!).and hawker centre food. and sunday soccer!.and cycling.

did u know?Gary broke down yesterday while i was roading..one of his tires just went bust..i had to carry him back home..on foot.it was a bonding period for us.

sigh.

Nationalism

2006-08-10T06:27:00.000-05:00

yesterday was national day. it was great fun really.

hobbled(still nursing some tendon injury from sunday's footy) to church to clean it up, a bit of pre- 2007 CNY spruce up!!!. started with clearing shelves, where i was told to throw away old bibles..that stumped me for quite a while..but hey..pastors request..so i set aside my opinions and made like a mindless ogre acting on Saruman's call.

then was helping mum and the church aunties wash chairs...with a sponge and a pail of soap water.this proved awfully tedious as it constituted soaping the entire chair, wiping it with a clean wet cloth,then drying it down with some cheap alternative to an absorbent chamois.. but nothing really prompted us to export the chair washing outside(where the water hoses were) till those wandering eyes of ours hit the multitude of chairs in question..daunted by the task...we sought a better way..

i ended up hosing chairs down with soap and water..had fun..my hosing partner, youthful anadee, kept on getting me wet.RAWR!! --With no help from those leaky faucets, and the rust eaten and corroded hose gun nozzles that sprayed the water out in all directions(including the direction of the one who wielded it!! by jove!!)...steve, arun and sean were the dryers..with the perfectionist Aunty heng jee doing some nice cleansing touchup at the drying station. awesome.

i then broke from this exercise in household maintenance early..making my way to the national stadium with Calvin, alex..and maureen, sarah, ambrose and alex's cousin..err.oliver i think.

National day was nice. but one thing really got me on the edge of my seat. APACHES!! BOOYA!!

the childhood dream has been fulfilled..it is done.seen an apache..better strike that off the wishlist.YAY.

then had dinner with gorku/gorkim, sam and joel..I ordered the biggest rip off ever.

KIMCHI soup..never ordering that stuff again..it was nasty. kudos to joel who let me eat some of his pizza..and sam for letting me finish his fettucini...

Ushered

2006-08-04T23:55:00.000-05:00

i was ushering at the Festival of praise yesterday night. it was trying/testing bordering on frustrating.singaporeans are just...well..they re just not the most gracious and sacrificial of peoples...they run to beat others to seating; throw bags from afar onto seats to covet from others already closer to the heralded lots;reserve spaces and make others wait for 10s of minutes;fight and quarrel...no one ever gives in...ALL THIS EVEN WITHIN the HOUSE OF THE LORD..!!!! aiyoh..

.i didnt know what to do, it was just pretty disappointing,seeing them exhibit their much played down kiasuism. But once the praising and worshipping kicked off, things picked up and everyone started apologizing to one another..it all justpuckered up. all in all, it was just a nice time. seeing hordes of people turn in avid expectancy to the Lord their maker.

still not too used to those large concert styled worship settings..hmmm.gotta focus on God.

iwas fasting from all food the entire day...so the minute i got home, which was arnd 12midnight..i just whipped up for myself myojo mee!! that was the best tasting myojo mee in the history of mankind. it sparked the soul of my stomach to life, it jolted smiles of electricity into the digestive system..it it..it, made me happy. theres just something about a voracious kinda esurience that just makes me feel like a T rex right outta jurassic park...gnawing on the cows and what not..downing meat by the ton. CHOMP CHOMP...RAWR..hey maybe thats what CHOMP CHOMP represents...insatiable consumption of food..Serangoon Gardens style!

THe fast was definitely worth it though, as an act of sacrifice and consecration. YAY

but i was just so tired.and i just realized one thing. these last few months, being busy and all. I have not kept awake on ANY bus ride i ve gone on alone. ahaha..i m a dozer.

ooh ooh funny quote..check this.
"there was always a sort of tacit understanding among women, born of the solidarity of the sex,that they should discover or intent lovers for each other"
--------
Henry James

dishes

2006-08-02T08:59:00.000-05:00

i just spent a good 15 minutes doing the dishes,and organising them in the drying area. my sponge is just coming apart, thats rather frustrating, the nylony dark green side meant for the metal pots has started to resemble seaweed clinging/hanging weakly to/from a jetty's half submerged pillar during the low tide. Its simply a tattered mess out here. but nontheless, the job was done, without overwhelming opposition. Washing dishes after all, isn't as impossible as dodging rockets supposedly aimed at hezbollah terrorists.Haha..but i m for Israel anyway.

the real irritating thing, was to clear the basin sieves..that was positively disgusting. but hey.aint no one else here to do it but me.sigh..

i also, just caught a PRAYING MANTIS..its in my Nutella bottle now.its got a bad habit of picking its teeth!..

if only i were micro enough to interact with it, only then would the suggestion of disciplining insects come into fruition..but till that happens, i will admire from the other side of its glassy imprisonment. i need to find smaller insects to feed it though.

we won 2-0

2006-07-30T06:29:00.000-05:00

its official, the cutest baby in church now is little baby benjamin. Hes just adorable, with the dreamy eyes, the puffed up reddened cheeks, and the overall littleness...hes just so cute, oh those chubby hands, and the tiny fingers...damn.thinking about how he waves at me, and hugs me just makes me smile.what an adorable kid. Just last year, Joshua was the cutest baby in church, then he kinda just grew up and lost the chubby layers that shot him to the fore in the first place. But benjamin is just mad la..hes friggin cute.its nuts. i like kids, and i know why i do..i m one of em.

after church, i rushed to thomson plaza and had the worst tasting ipoh hor fun ever..what a waste of money.that ordeal lasted 10 mins..No longer, cause i had to go to Calvin's place.

he thought i was driving and i thought he was driving..so in the end we cabbed down to woodlands, where he had our match..

i played first half in Centre back, then Second half as left back. i am better on the wings la..our first half performance was quite blah...and we just played a defensive game of containment..and we did it pretty well, with HB even covering for Yucong(lots were late) as keeper. So 0-0 first half..

then second half, we had some breakthroughs. Nich delivers a ball into the box,and it somehow bounces over the advancing keeper, leaving it clear for Isaac to tap it in. At this point in the game, we were still on the backfoot, and defending. And five mins before this, their team has just struck the post and i had just made some goaline clearance...!!!hahah.our goal was damn random,and super against the run of play. then i think we had some more solid defensive performances, followed by Jianan's damn mysterious goal. He took a shot, which wasnt exactly a scorcher or a belter..it was kinda tame in fact, but it was a spinning ball, and it spun out of the keeper's slippery hands, and rolled into the net.2-0 to botaks..what a game..and from this point on...with oppostion morale under our feet, we began to make room, and calm our play. Mian said the ref was biased...i think i see where hes coming from, mian that is..not the ref, i dont understand some of his decisions.

on the whole, we played like crap..as we relied on long balls too much, and never strung together any solid passing move..and we had very very little shots on goal..but we still won.....awesome.

what a game man..and the day got better.

Calvin(henceforth known as Liang,cos thats what everyone,and i, call him) forgets to bring a clean shirt.Unfortunately he does not know this while we were washing up..cos he takes off his sweat filled shirt, washes it, and then proceeds to use it to wash the mud clattered boots..i mean,..what a retard right?hahah..sorry liang. In the end, he decides to go home topless.so we go to a mama shop to get some 100 plus, and he orders, collects, and consumes the product topless, feeling no shame whatsoever.then we get a cab, and he sits the entire cab ride topless. LIANG IS DA MAN la...liang is da man.

solid time we had today la.